Home Doppler

Woop! I'm 10w4d today and I heard the baby's heartbeat for the first time at home. I haven't posted in a while, mostly because I've been too sick and most definitely too tired to do so. I really am just starting to feel like I can make it out of the house to do anything (although I'm tired thinking about it). Last week we went in for a scan, basically because I was freaking out and had a migraine, and found we lost one of the twins. It's common and occurs in up to 30% of twin pregnancies. We are pretty bummed about it but I am focusing on the fact that I still have one living baby in there. I pray that he or she keeps growing and growing. It's so nerve wrecking though!!! Since the demise of that twin, however, I've started feeling better, compared to how I was before. I was so tired that just getting through the work day was extremely difficult. I really can't even express how it felt to be that tired. Now I just feel normal pregnancy tired. 

When I went to the bathroom today I had just the teensiest amount of light brown-almost tan spotting on the tp. If I wasn't obsessively checking the tp after every wipe I wouldn't have even noticed. So my neurotic self pulled out the Doppler. After a few minutes I finally found the HB of the baby. It was on the opposite side of where I thought it would be, right next to or behind my own whooping heart beat from the huge artery along my left side. One tiny fraction of an inch to the right of it and I heard the baby! I have heard my own noises enough to know that the galloping noise was baby. It's so distinctly different. It wasn't super loud bc of my own noise but it was there and registered in the mid-to-high 140s. I hope  this is a good sign. I think I'm having a boy. I have this gut feeling that the other twin was a girl. Idk just intuition. I can't wait to be out of this first trimester and feel a little safer!! My next appointment is in 3 days. 

Gummy Bears!

Ok I have living, normal babies. Both measuring appropriately and heart rates in the 150s. More later. 

Oh official due date is Dec 18, even though we all know I won't make it that long. 

Ahhh

My 8w scan is in 45 minutes. I'm so anxious. I just threw up, thank you babies, so hopefully that is a good sign. 

Original Pancake House

Dear pretentious original pancake house in Williamsville,

You suck. You seriously can't seat us so that I can order coffee and bread in an attempt to not throw up my saltines because *god forbid* our whole "party" isn't here? Really? Do you realize that I'm pregnant with twins and experiencing some serious morning sickness? You probably don't, but still, not cool. I'm going to puke. 

6 weeks 3 days

Last week I freaked out over the spotting and the office let me come in for a scan. 

Here is the result. I was told everything looks great. I am right around 5w6 or 6w0 at the time of this picture. You can see that the two gestational sacs have clearly grown in size in just one week. They also both have a yolk sac visible. I don't think there is a fetal pole clearly visible In either but the nurse said there is "a structure" in B. B is measuring a little bigger than A. Now see that little spot at the top? That's probably why I'm spotting all the time. The doctor explained that he isn't concerned because it's not too close to either sac and isn't too big. They will keep an eye on it I guess. I go back on Thursday, May 2, which is one week and one day after this scan.  So over all I'm feeling better about things. Once I see those heartbeats, however, I'll be a lot more positive. 

Symptoms so far 

-on and off nausea/gagging. It doesn't last all day and isn't every day. I was dry heaving at work one morning but haven't actually thrown up. *fingers crossed*

-sore boobs. Again this is an on and off symptom. Some days it's very sore and feels like I'm being stabbed. Others I just feel tender to the touch. Like today they are only tender if I touch them. Yesterday I had stabbing pains all day and night. 

-tired!!!!! I can barely get up in the morning. I come home from work and lay on the couch until I go to bed lol. I slept for 12 hours last night and then was tired all morning too. I then rustled up the strength to shower and dress myself around 1, went out to lunch and to run a few errands, and then was so tired I had to come back home to my couch. 

-cramping-not like a period but more so on one or both sides like ovary pain and/or across my uterus area like pulling, sometimes stabbing sensations. Hoping this is due to stretching and growing to make room for two. 

-still spotting. Usually brown. Sometimes dark brown. Sometimes spots of red. Never really makes it into the panty liner. It seems to be worse at night and worse when I am cramping. Hoping it's due to the stretching and the SCH. I have read and heard even from my doc that bleeding is more common in twin pregnancies. Knowing is only half the battle, however, and I still stress about it. 

I hope all this means that they are both growing appropriately and that on Thursday I will see two tiny heartbeats. 

Roller coaster

Hmm. I just spent an hour googling things because I have a bad attitude today. Then I think to myself about why I have the time to google now-it's because I almost gagged before my shower then still felt nauseous and exhausted after and had to just sit on the couch. Honestly the thought of going back to work tomorrow after a lovely spring break is terrifying. I'm so tired. All the time. All I have to say is I hope that means babies A and B are snuggled in good and are starting to have cardiac contractions. I'm 5 weeks 5 days today! 9 more days to get through after today then I'll wake up and get to see them. Hopefully them. Or at least one. Idk it's so hard to be positive after two miscarriages and lots of  disappointment. It's like I am faking this and it's not real. Ahhh I hate waiting and I hate not being in control. Wouldn't it be nice if they made little hand-held ultrasound machines for women like me? That way I could check on it every day and get some reassurance. My husband thinks I am legit crazy at this point. Maybe I am. Oh well!! 

5w3d nightmares

Ok so all night last night I dreamt about bleeding and trying to see a doctor. However I could never get one to examine me and never get anything confirmed. I think my dreams were just reflecting my actual anxiety over the being out of control in this situation and the unknown. Today I feel a little better about everything, despite the dreams. My boobs are more sore today again. I don't feel sick or anything like that but I slept for a million hours and I am still sleepy. I have to make it 10 more days until I go to the doctor for my second ultrasound to see how/if the babies have grown and their heartbeats. Will there be two live babies? Will there only be one? Will it all be over? Those are my possibilities. I am hoping for choice A or at the very least, B. I think if I felt more sickly I would be a little less negative, not that I enjoy being sick lol. I just am still trying to take this one day at a time and know that it could all end at any moment. 

5w2d

I wish I could just be pregnant like a normal person and live in lala land and be flowing and excited about the babies I'm growing. Not so lucky. I have had two miscarriages back to back and now I'm terrified every time something changes. So last night after going to the bathroom I had some light red/brown spotting. It went away overnight then returned more this morning. I decided to play doctor and add an extra progesterone. By the afternoon it was gone again. I couldn't shake the impending feeling of "it's all over". I googled my battery away twice in one day. I know that I'm very early in this pregnancy and that symptoms can come and go. I know that I've been doing nothing but lounging on the couch and therefore am not quite as tired as I was. I know that the spotting is probably from the progesterone inserts or straining, but I can't seem to get a grip on my anxiety. If I weren't pregnant I would have a glass of wine and try to relax. However, lol, I cannot do that!! 

5w1d

What a whirlwind it's been the last few days! My beta numbers doubled perfectly, even actually a little more than double.  I had my first ultrasound and saw the gestational sacs. What's that, you say? Was that plural? Yep! 2!! It's too early to declare it twins but I'm going with it. The doctor said once I see two heart beats then I can really plan on in being twins. I'm officially pregnant but still taking it just a day at a time. 

Symptoms:

-extreme, and I mean extreme, mind numbing fatigue. It usually hits in the afternoon. 

-on and off nausea/gagginess that hits anytime and without warning. 

-really tender bbs. Tender to the touch and occasional random shooting pain. 

-kinda constantly hungry. Even if I feel sick. I eat...I feel full for a quick minute...I feel hungry. I feel hungry right now. Like painfully so. Wtf?

-super super greasy hair and my face is breaking out like a teenager in puberty!!! 

Here is the ultrasound: 

And the results are in...

Well folks...My wonderful IVF Ann called and the numbers are in:

1554

Holy moly! That's higher than I'd been expecting that's for sure. Now I go back on Wednesday to make sure my levels are progressing as expected, which is the real test. I also get to have an ultrasound to see if they can see a gestational sac (...or two omg). It might be a little too early but they are going to try anyways. If they don't see it they will resched for a few days later. So all in all I'm hoping by Friday or Saturday at the latest I'll at least know if this is a viable pregnancy and if we are talking one or two little ones in there. 

Then of course the next hurdle is waiting for a heart beat ...

...then every time thereafter waiting for a heart beat omg. It's going to be a rough ride for me! But I'm happy, for today. 

Waiting...

It's beta day! Ahhh the waiting is torture!!! They should call by four...it's 1:30...

Have been trying to avoid this

Since my transfer I have been trying to avoid posting here, because I know that many of my friends read my posts. However, I feel the need to vent. My beta is tomorrow, which will be 14dp5dt or about 4wks and 5 days pregnant. Yes, I have been getting positive tests for over a week now. They started showing positive on 5dp5dt, or 10dpo, which is very early. The FRER tests now are ao dark that the test line is darker than the control line. 

See? This is from today (13dp5dt). It showed up almost as soon as I put it down. The CBE digitalis look like this: 

Pretty cool right? 

Well my frustration is that I have had a few episodes of spotting. Once on 8dp5dt which lasted most of the day but was gone by the next day-all brown to pink. The next started yesterday and has continued into this morning- again brown, chunkiness. Yuck! So obviously I freak out every time. How can you not? I haven't had a beta yet, and every pregnancy I have ever had has ended in miscarriage. Everything I have read, and believe me I have read everything, says that bleeding or spotting in early pregnancy is common, especially in women who underwent IVF. I also have read that using the endometrin suppositories can cause spotting due to irritating the cervix. That makes sense because sometimes I have to really jam it up there and my cervix is clearly in the way. I also read that in early pregnancy the inner lining of the cervix can "roll out" a little becoming exposed and therefore more susceptible to "trauma". Isn't it crazy? Even though I know all this, however, it's just hard to not freak out. I'm taking things one day at a time and trying to be ready for the worst. 

Symptoms: 

-Extreme fatigue-extreme. 

-Nausea after eating. Almost every time I eat. The preggie pop drops are a lifesaver. Seriously couldn't make it through the day without. 

-Constant, annoying, headache. Not a migraine, just there. It makes it difficult to do anything. I'm sure the impending thunderstorms aren't helping this situation. 

-Usually my bbs are very sensitive in the afternoon/evening. 

-have been experiencing some on and off cramping, for lack of a better word. It's like I have a needle going into my uterus. It's very localized discomfort and doesn't last long. I'm hoping it's just stretching :-/

So...fingers crossed. I can't wait to find out my results tomorrow but more importantly see my doubling time on the second beta. 

4dp5dt

Symptoms: nothing really exciting. Sometimes I'm really tired and sometimes I'm not. Sometimes I have sore breasts and sometimes I don't. I have had to drink a lot because I have had dry mouth and therefore I have had increased urination. Cervical fluid has been pretty consistent. Have had some waves of gagginess. No actual nausea though. Just sometimes I go to talk and I gag lol. Or sometimes I cough and almost throw up lol. No biggie. All above symptoms can directly be attributed to progesterone though so it means nothing to me. 

I've tried my very very best to be cool calm and collected this time around. I haven't bought any pregnancy tests yet. I might tomorrow idk. I'm a POAS addict. Once I start, I can't stop. Do they sell pregnancy tests in bulk at BJ's??? Omg if they do I'm going to stock up oh boy!! 

Oh and the biggest thing that I just love is how, thanks to the progesterone and estrogen, I cry all the time for no reason, like driving to work. Or driving home. Or watching teen mom. 

I'm hoping for the best but planning for another cycle I think. 

Successful Embryo Transfer

I just got home from my embryo transfer. We were able to transfer two blasts-one a little more advanced than the other. My clinic doesn't share the grades with us. The Doctor just said they "looked good".

 What Chad and I have realized is that it really doesn't matter how perfect the embryo is-it's still just all up to chance as to whether it will implant and whether I can carry to term. With that in mind I feel like I am much more calm this time around. I also feel pretty good, minus the progesterone side effects of course. I have to wait until April 14 to do a pregnancy test OMG that is such a long wait. If I can hold out till next Monday before buying a ton of pregnancy tests I will feel accomplished. 

As for the rest of my little babies-I started with 12 eggs, 9 fertilized, one was abnormal (3 nuclei), 2 arrested early, and that left 5. Two turned into blasts and were transferred today. The three remaining are still at the morula stage. The embryologists are going to give them a few more days to grow in culture and if any expand to healthy looking blasts they will freeze. I'm hoping at least one, preferably two, can make it to freeze. In the end, however, at least I got the two in today. 

Now it's out of my hands-I just need to stay healthy and positive and not over-exert myself at all. 

Differences from previous two transfers:

1.  On the day of my first, I was starting to get seriously sick. I ended up with flu-like symptoms and a horrible cold lasting over a week, if not longer. I had fevers constantly and was like the walking dead. I should have stayed home from work.  I seriously feel like I fried my embryos-whether that is accurate scientifically or not. 

2. On the day of the frozen cycle transfer I had been experiencing mega debilitating migraines and was taking a lot of meds to compensate (including trips to urgent care for IV meds). I'm sure my body wasn't in a good place physically. 

...so I'm just gonna relax as much as possible for the next few days and try to keep the anxiety to a minimum. 

Wish me luck!! 

Thank you Dr

Thank you Doctor for not giving me too many details about everything. It's helped me to stay calm(er) through the last few days. This past Wednesday I had my egg retrieval. 12 eggs were successfully removed and 9 of those fertilized. How, you may ask? I don't know! He didn't tell me and I didn't ask, since I was standing the school stairwell where I work. Next, he called me today and said that "the embryos look great-let's push your transfer to Monday at 11am". Ok! Any other details? Nope! I was literally in the middle of class and had 12 teenagers staring at me. So because of this I have nothing to obsessively google or think about. Also it gives me a few more days to recover from the egg retrieval-which really knocked me down a few pegs this time. I wasn't nervous at all going into it. The anesthesiologist put the mask on my face after I was all stirruped-up and told me to breathe deeply. Next thing I vaguely remember is the nurse telling me to get up. I honestly do *not* remember getting into the wheel chair. I do *not* know who tied up my gown in the back-I certainly didn't but it was tied when I changed. I remember getting into the chair and just being out of it. For a long time. Like really out of it. Then the cramping started. It wasn't pleasant. Then my heart rate started setting off alarms lol...at which point I groggily looked at the machine and said "I alive dammit seriously?" So I stayed in recovery for probably an hour. When I got home I slept most if the day. Now I just have to make it through Monday and see what happens!! Not overly optimistic but everyone else is so I figure they can keep me positive. Why the negativity? Not negative, really, just staying in a safe zone of apathy unless something positive actually happens. 

So...that's it for now!! "They look great". Ok!! I can live with that. 

Made it 11 days...

I made it 11 days before getting a migraine. I'm talking a real hormone induced migraine. The kind that caused me to almost throw up at work-while teaching-...twice lol. I can laugh at it now but damn...not fun!! I may have had a mini melt down over it by the end of the evening but I have come to accept this as part of the process. I started follistim and "solution x" last night. I'm hoping these will start to counteract the lupron headachy-ness soon! 

Now today I have still been dealing with it but keeping it in check while I lay low. I am going shopping with the besties tonight and have several birthday and shower gifts to purchase...so I have to be ok :-) 

A picture of my nightly routine of 3-4 injections:  .1cc solution x (or 10 units on the insulin needle), .05 units Lupron (down from .1 previously), 250 units Follistim (administered in two pen injections since I had a partially used vial already in place). 

...and the aftermath of all of that. The bruising is definitely starting to become prominent around my thigh.  

Note: for anyone preparing to do this, most of these injections are painless to a mild sting. The follistim pen needle is actually so thin that it is barely noticeable going in. Sometimes it stings afterwards. It helps to have the meds at room temperature so I hold all refrigerated vials in my hand for a few minutes before injecting. The bruising it causes makes it look worse than it actually is. 

A Girl's Best Friend during a #MarchBlizzard

One of my go to headache/migraine relief therapies is my clay head wrap. It works wonders on relieving mild headache pain and dulling excruciating migraine pain. As I get closer and closer to transfer, my goal is to be less reliant on medication. So for now, it's my "purple ice pack" to the rescue! I just thought I would share, since this is a common issue. It's heavy, can be heated or frozen (I prefer frozen), and has a Velcro elastic band that can be wrapped around to hold it in place for extra pressure (especially during blizzards like today!)

I'm going to need HRT when I'm 50

My estrogen levels have clearly bottomed out. I can tell because my head hurts (only mildly but I have been popping 4 Aleve a day as a preventive measure), I'm  super moody (sorry guys) and I'm insanely tired. On the plus side I had my baseline scan and I have a nice thin lining and no cysts. This means I can start taking follistim very soon. Once I start taking follistim things should improve, hopefully quickly! I just don't know how women handle life during menopause. I seriously have to only experience these kinda of symptoms for a few weeks-I can't imagine it going on forever!! I just can't tolerate anyone or anything. Could I be any more negative? 

That was yesterday. What I can say is wow, how a simple hormone therapy can mess with your mind! It's so crazy that the lupron, which causes estrogen to dramatically decrease, can alter my state of mind so severely and without warning. I woke up tired, very tired, but not in a bad mood. When I got to work after my appointment I was a little off.  By lunch I had to sit quietly or else I may have bitten someone's head off...all while having an internal argument with myself about why I was acting so "cray cray"!! Ha! Thankfully by the late afternoon I snapped out of it, with a little help from my friends. Love you guys!! If you are reading this I'm sorry I was such a bitch yesterday :-) I think that I was better by the Real Housewives of NYC premier party-how could I not be?!? 

Today is better in countless ways. Still have the nagging headache/sore neck, but it's manageable. We have a "blizzard day" so I got to sleep in!! It was so nice and much needed. I was drained yesterday. I'm still tired but I know that's just bc of the meds. I have the luxury now of just resting :-). I'm in a much happier state of being too. 

Two more days until I start follistim and approximately two weeks until ER! :-) 

Too much drama!!

Ok I just have to vent. And don't hate me (for being insensitive or for starting a sentence with "and").  I mean this is my blog so I can say whatever I want...right? Ok well within reason...

 I just read a blog post by someone I have never met but is connected to me through 800 degrees of separation...you know a friend of a friend liked something their sister's cousin put on Facebook and "bam"-it's in my news feed. So of course I read it. Then I read the comments. Then I scratched my head and reread it...because it was so confusing and theatrical! Long story short it was written by a woman who had a miscarriage (and mother f'in why I have had to, and willingly, discuss this damn topic so much this week I have no clue...I swear people are just trying to get me to break my usual happy self). Well it was just...so...dramatic. I mean yes, it is a traumatic event. For someone who has never been through it even once, let alone twice...or more, it's probably not even comprehensible to imagine what it's like. But I just don't see the point in all the drama. It happened. Mourn the loss, keep the memory alive with you, and continue on with your life. It might take longer for some than others, just like any other death, but you have to live life and just push on. I have moments where I can't talk about it without almost crying but it's usually out of self pity and I realize that pretty quickly and move on. I suppose you would have to read this post to see what I mean about the drama it contained. It was like a theater production. Am I being so insensitive because I've been able to move on? I don't know. If it happened to one of my close friends or family I'd be there for them in a heart beat and with open arms and all the understanding in the world. But...I would be real and help them get through it and move on. Not dwell. 

Ok I just realized I have kind of sounded like a bitch. Well if you haven't been keeping tabs I'm on day four of lupron. I'm blaming it on that!  

So now on to actual IVF news-there isn't any haha. Shots have been going well. I have been feeling ok physically, just a bit tired, but it could be because I have a cold. Emotionally I can feel the meds starting to take ahold of me, like little fingers of a vine slowly creeping up a fence, like in slow motion (dramatic much? HAHAHA). I am fairly steady and still upbeat and positive but my usual grip on not crying over everything is wavering. I almost, almost, was brought to tears by a friend today...but I overcame and made it!! Haha. I don't know why I have such a problem showing emotion. But I do. And such is life. 

This is just turning into rambling so let's end it on a good note... The sun is shining.  At 5:08 pm. This makes me happy :-). Every day brings me closer to ER and transfer days and maybe something to hope for. 

But not too much-too dangerous. 

Tuesday night ramblings...

Today a friend shared with me a blog post by a woman who had two miscarriages and then went on to have a baby. It was an interesting perspective. Here is the link: http://huff.to/1bPdGqB. One of the parts that really resonated with me is this:

"We believe that speaking the truth about the heartbreaking journey of losing a baby is essential. Healing comes through understanding what we have been through and what may lie ahead. By speaking about our experiences they can become integrated into who we are and allow us to move along."

Reading the whole post made me think about things I try not to think about, like the fact that I, too, should be planning a first birthday party for my child right now...pinning ideas and picking out themes and such. Instead I am on day two of shots for my third round of IVF post miscarriage. (Enter "shots" song into head...).  I realize that sounds silly but it is what I think about. So I allowed myself a few tears driving home, and maybe right now while I type, but that's it. Things could be worse. In the grand scheme of things there people far worse off. I would rather spend my energy focused on the future. I'd rather spend it helping my friends and families get through tough situations because I know I can handle it. These experiences have helped to shape the woman I have become so ultimately I don't wish they never happened, because now I think I am more compassionate, understanding, and patient.   I have a wonderful husband, many friends, I love my job and really when it comes to it-I'm truly happy right now. 

Now to close, I leave you with these e-cards, which definitely made me laugh!! 

Yes, of course! I thought maybe I could get pregnant via immaculate conception. Just like the mother-f'n Virgin Mary. 

"Just relax and it will happen". I am relaxed!! Just because I happen to want to discuss how I feel about this situation doesn't mean in not relaxed! I'm sitting in my pj's right now under a warm fuzzy blanket relaxed as can be. This brings me to the next...

My personal FAVORITE!!! 

I don't really care what your co-worker's friend's sister's daughter went through. Each person has a different set of underlying medical issues being brought to the table. I have my own protocol and will not have the same experience as her, or her, or her...  I do get support from women who have had to go through what I have for all this but it's like we are in a little sorority and people who aren't just don't get it. 

Ha!! The other day a 9th grader saw me (whom I had previously taught in middle school) and exclaimed "Miss!! Why don't you have any babies yet!?  Aren't you trying to get pregnant? Did you hear I'm pregnant?"  Lovely...just lovely. 15 years old. 

3 more weeks until ER day!! 

The devil you know...

Well I'm back!! I officially consider today the "start" of my 3rd IVF cycle (2nd fresh).  I took my first lupron shot five minutes ago and worked that needle like a pro. I'm hoping that now I have worked out many of the "kinks" (read=debilitating migraines) and can make it through this cycle without a trip to the urgent care center. 1) no birth control pills mean that the evils of lupron will be at a manageable level. 2) no PIO shots-vaginal tablets instead (that's a bundle of fun too lol). 3) occipital nerve block injections every 6 weeks to prevent some migraines from even occurring. 

I have to say that while I'm excited to begin another cycle I am also extremely apprehensive. It's hard to be positive when every experience I have had has ended in no pregnancy, chemical pregnancy, or miscarriage. I am not trying to be a Debbie Downer though- I'm just a realist. It's dangerous to be too optimistic, in my opinion, because it just sets me up for disappointment. Some of my friends/family get this and some just don't. Until you have had to go through all this I guess it's hard to relate! I don't blame anyone for being positive for me, but happy thoughts aren't going to cut it after three years of infertility haha.  The only statement that truly annoys me is the "it'll happen when it's supposed to/meant to/etc"... It's all good-hearted though so I don't hate :-)

I'll try to keep this updated over the coming weeks. Anticipated retrieval is set for the week of March 25...

So let the...um...fun begin!!!