No luck

Well I probably should have posted quite a while ago. I am definitely out this round. I knew by 8dp6dt that I should really have been getting a positive test and by 10dp6dt I stopped taking my meds (well I actually kind of weaned myself off of them, esp the PIO). I have to say that while I'm bummed that it didn't work, it was a relief to not have to take a slew of pills and shots. Now I am finally getting over having my period and my headaches are easing up. I've had some really good days where I felt great and I almost forgot what it was like to be pain free, nausea free, and not constantly exhausted. I can even go up all the stairs and not feel like I'm dying! 

We have decided to take a few months off since this cycle and last were so so rough on my body. Im going to talk to the doctor at the end of the month and formulate a plan. I might push for three embryos to transfer because I want to have twins and be done with all this nonsense. I know, however, that he doesn't like to have twins. My argument is going to be that I respond so poorly to all these meds I don't want to have to go through this so many times in my life. I need all the chances I can get. We will see what he says. 

So for now I'm going to enjoy the holidays then get serious and start exercising and eating healthy. I want to try to lose 15 pounds by March. Honestly I should be able to lose more than that but I'd be happier with 15. I think it will help. However I keep having panic moments when I just think I will never be able to get pregnant and never get to have a baby, so I'm really pushing my husband to allow me to sign us up for an adoption info session. I have no idea where to even begin, but I need to take some control over this. 

On an unrelated note, I spent the day with my friend and her 14-month old twins and 2 and 1/2 year old son at the mall today. Let me tell you we had fun and I'm exhausted!!! Definitely enough to tide me over for a while lolol. When/if I do ever have kids I'm in for a rude awakening lol. 

So I'm out for a while...happy holidays!!!

5dp6dt

...and still haven't tested! Yay for me!!!

Ok that's BS. I really have only not tested because I have been too sick to leave the house to buy tests. Of course if I hadn't spent the last 8 days practically bed-ridden from debilitating migraines or that day of nausea/vomiting, I would have gone out and bought at least 8 tests. So here I am.  I have no idea if this worked this time. All I know is that I have had a headache since my first PIO shot, my boobs are sore (on and off), I have slight waves of nausea occasionally, especially if I am hungry, and I tend to tear up and cry all the time. I'm not a crier. But I cried through watching almost all of my DVR shows, while reading other's blogs. It's so random. I probably should start testing. I'm feeling better at the moment so I may actually be able to run to target later and buy some. 

In other news, I find it strange that every night I am waking up with a searing headache across my forehead. Then I breathe deeply switch positions and feel a little better. Wtf? I have consulted "Dr. Google" and have narrowed this down to three causes: one-I'm crazy, two-I have intracranial hypertension and will need a cerebral spinal fluid lumbar tap to diagnose, or three-I have developed sleep apnea. I'm kinda leaning towards choice one, but it's every night!! I can't wait to find out if I AM pregnant and am enduring all of this misery for a good reason, or if I am NOT pregnant and can stop all this madness. I won't even be too upset about it this time. I need to recover my health, weight, and sanity. To continue another cycle will involve a whole new round of IVF. I want to be in a better place physically and psychologically before I do!! 

Post transfer symptoms and life in general

4dp6dt

That means: four days past my transfer of a 6 day old embryo. 

...and so far I've held out and haven't tested yet!!!  Will Power!!! With that said, of course, I'll probably be testing by tomorrow (tonight if I can sneak out to buy the tests). 

My transfer did go extremely well on Tuesday. My one little embryo looked great according to Sullivan. They really aren't into grading and all that. He said if it didn't look great he just wouldn't have commented on it. 

Symptom Tracker:

1dp6dt:  slight, sudden cramps but only a few times. Otherwise was home with a migraine. Or should I say was at the dent clinic getting iv meds. Horrible day. Horrible. 

2dp6dt:  finally feeling good enough to go to work. Still had a headache but minor in contrast to the previous 5 days. Felt nauseous by 8 am. Nausea intensified all day. Threw up around 8 and again around 10. Went to bed...stayed home next day. 

3dp6dt:  stayed home. Nausea had subsided thankfully. Headache again but just a little one. Was able to eat a little throughout the day without puking. Felt a lot better by the evening all around...until I left with my husband to pick up take out and rent a movie. Apparently walking and driving were too much for me!! Pathetic. Pathetic. A few more pains in uteral region. (Yep I made that up lol)

4dp6dt:  awoke in middle of the night with a headache (again). It seems like when I lay on my back for a prolonged period of time a get woken up with severe pain in the top and back of my head. Am I developing apnea?? Idk. Went to first ever acupuncture appointment in move of desperation this morning. Seems to have helped a little. I'm gonna give it the time it deserves to see if it truly makes a difference. It's expensive though!!  Boobs are sore (but of course I attribute that to the progesterone). It's hard to symptom track because of the headaches. Not frequently peeing or anything. Just the sore boobs. 

So...that's that!!! :-) 

Progesterone

So if you've been following, you probably know how much I hate lupron. Well...progesterone is worse. Last night, around 4am, I made up a song about it to the tune of "O Christmas Tree". Yeah. While I wasn't sleeping because of progesterone induced insomnia. I wish I could remember all the words. Progesterone has also made me: nauseous, constipated, get diarreah, and endure some of the worst migraines of my life (three times to the infusion center in 5 days for iv meds woop). Let me tell you, if this cycle doesn't work then I just NEED to take a few months off to be pain free, med free, and lose some of the 40 lb I've gained during the last two years of pregnancies, miscarriages, and infertility treatments. 

Almost T time!!

One more day of waiting before I (possibly) have my embryo transfer. I hope my one little embryo can survive the thaw and at least give us a shot at getting pregnant. I would be a lot less apprehensive if I had two or three embryos on reserve. Such is luck, I suppose. I will not even know if I can go through with the transfer until that morning, which really sucks. 

In other news, I had to go to an urgent care center again this weekend. I had a nerve block done in Wednesday so I didn't think that I would have to deal with this. I ended up having a super busy, stressful week. This led to a major lack of sleep and some mega dehydration that I couldn't get ahead of. So Friday night when I was woken with severe pain, I wasn't all that surprised. I was surprised, however, when I took all the meds I was allowed and was still in excuciating pain. So off to immediate care I went. They were nice enough to give me everything I requested (saline, toridol, benedryl, magnesium and a steroid). The only thing I forgot to tell them was the anti-seizure med but I can't remember the name of it anyway. I actually fell asleep in the room and then slept most of the day. 

I gotta tell ya, after all of this I hope that embryo at least survives and can be transplanted. If not, then this was a lot to go through for absolutely nothing. Sorry to be a negative nancy but it's just reality. 

#thisshitsucks

It's always something...

I had an ultrasound and bloodwork yesterday to make sure I was progressing as expected for the FET preparations. As usual, nothing ever goes right with me. At this point in my cycle my lining should be 8 or higher. I was, at the best reading, at 6.5. The nurse and doctor said it wasn't too bad but I might have to take more estrogen or push back my transfer date. Ugh!! Luckily the bloodwork came back ok so I have to go back Thursday morning for a repeat scan. It's fine, I mean whatever, but I am starting to miss a lot of work and am coming in late often. It stresses me out. It's hard to come late or take off as a teacher and I just don't like it. So yeah...there's that. 

A little perspective

     A colleague's brother died this past week.  Normally I'm not in to death and drama and all that but this person was only a few years older than me and had just gotten married a month ago.  Upon creeping on facebook pages to try to get more information, I came across posts from his wife, now widowed, and it kind of broke my heart to read how horrible this experience is for her.  I don't know if I could survive without my husband.  We joke all the time and constantly make fun of each other but people don't know just how much I love him and I know how much he loves me.  We have such an amazing relationship - nothing is perfect, let's be real, but it works for us.  We are happy.  I am happy.  I'd rather have toothpaste in the sink and never have a meal cooked for me than not have my husband.  It kind of takes my breath away to even think about him dying on me!!  So this whole situation just really puts things into perspective.  Life is short - it's time to get in gear and start living.  Work is great, but busy.  I don't want to equate busy with "not good" though, because it is good! I love who I work with, I spend every day with some of my best friends, and I know it won't last forever as we all get older and want to move in different directions with our careers.  I also think it's time for me to start taking care of myself and my house better.  I really think that for the past year I've been in some sort of haze and just haven't been able to get with the program.  Let's be real - I'm never going to be "suzie homemaker" and have dinner on the table every night or have the dishes done 7 days a week, but I can make an effort to cook more like I used to and to keep up with the cleaning, like I used to. 

So yeah, this whole "infertility" business truly is an emotional rollercoaster but I'm thinking I just need to take a step back and enjoy what I do have for a while.  It's not going to stop me from wasting hours of my life away on google or blogs by other women.  I LOVE reading about other people's experiences.  In fact I just spent the last hour frantically scrolling through message boards written by women who have had just one frozen embryo for the FET cycle to see how many worked and how many didn't.  #obsessed (I love hashtags now, btw, just to accentuate words = one of the many quirks my husband has encouraged.  We speak in "hashtag" when no one else is listening #weareweird hahahahahaha). 

So......Time to relax, regroup, and try to stay positive.
<3

Vacation options

So assuming this doesn't work, I might get to go on vacation for February break. I have a lot of options. My first choice, of course, is Disney. Who doesn't love a magical enchanted castle? I'm obsessed.  Really obsessed. It's the happiest place on earth, people!! However, chad would also like to consider Las Vegas. I do love slot machines...the lights...the sounds...Or I could go to New Orleans! I've never been there and have recently heard it's pretty amazing. Also heard that for February break the plane ticket prices are ridiculous. However, as I type, I'm thinking what about Montreal?!? I could practice my French!!!! Decisions decisions. This all is a moot point if I end up pregnant but hey...a girl can dream!!  

Thoughts? 

Needles

Wow. So first of all I'm a horrible blogger when I am working. Second, I don't think I've ever worked as hard and as much as I do this year, and third, my house looks like a addict lives here. I know I'm supposed to put my needles in the sharps biohazard container each night (and I do!...eventually) but it's so hard to remember to do it so late at night after I've fallen asleep. And since my hubs doesn't like a biohazard box in the living room...my coffee table looks like this in the morning: 

lol. I never thought I would grow up to have needles laying all over my living room and an expert at filling a syringe. Alas, that's my life right now.  I mean...at least I clean up before company arrives. 

In other non-baby, baby news, my embryo transfer got pushed back by almost three weeks. It's a small price to pay, however, to have not had to take the pill. I only ended up in the transfusion center once (so far) this cycle for IV meds to treat a migraine.  That's not too bad!! On the negative, I have had to take so much lupron that I might end up running out and will possibly have to buy another 200.00 vial. I will buy it if I have to but that's a lot of money to pay for only a few days of injections. I think I have 7 more....and knowing that the Walgreens pharmacy delivers next day, I am pushing my luck.

 I really hope that this little embryo survives the thaw (my biggest concern actually) and can make it through the transfer. I know I should be more positive but honestly I just can't find it in me to even be hopeful. I am assuming it won't take, as usual, and I will have to start a whole new cycle. On the positive side, if this doesn't work and I don't end up pregnant, chad said we can take a few months "off" and go on vacation. This should give me a few months to lose some weight and let my body recover a bit. Maybe we can even look into some adoption agencies and at least get some info on cost, time, requirements etc, that way when it comes time to having to sign up we will be ahead of the game. At this point I don't really care if I get pregnant or get handed a baby by a stranger. I just am over this. 

And it's started...

Back I go to getting IV pain meds to help my lupron migraines. I spoke too soon a few days ago thinking I would be ok for this round of lupron injections. Wrong!!! Got a migraine yesterday that I was Abe to relieve with immitrex but over the night it came back 2-3 times as strong!!!!! 

By the way I officially think that I cannot be held responsible for my words or thoughts today because my current bag is full of benedryl and an anti seizure med and I am starting to feel really loopy!!! Guess this is it for today...room is kind of spinning, or at least I am! 

Wow

I'm getting over this

So I'm kind of over this all today. I feel like this whole IVF process takes a lot bigger toll on my psyche than anything I've done before, not to mention physically. I feel like if I knew it would work  I would be a lot less whiny about it, but I have no idea if my one little embryo will survive the thaw and that's frustrating. On the other hand, I don't know if I can just "give up" on trying to do everything I can to have a baby. Ahh. Ok rant over. I guess I just need to vent every so often. There are very few people in my life who even have a fraction of a clue of what I'm going through right now physically and emotionally but I do appreciate everyone's support. 

Day 6 of lupron injections and had my first migraine. Feeling better after a dose of immitrex. Starting to feel like I'm losing complete control over my emotions. Feeling more weepy and short tempered.  Hot flashes are starting at night and I haven't been sleeping too well. All in all, still doing much better than last cycle. 

We are having a Halloween party tomorrow night, which is going to be super fun! I wish my sister could be here but on the plus side this is something I wouldn't be able to do if I were pregnant now or if I had a 5 month old baby so hey! Party hardy!! 

Sorry!!

Hi! I got yelled at by my sister today for having not posted in a while. I guess I was just enjoying a few weeks of not constantly thinking about IVF and medication schedules and such. I guess I have to do some catch up! Well, I was able to convince the doctor to let me try prepping for a frozen cycle without taking the pill. It's been (so far) the best thing ever. There have been all these days where I have almost gotten a headache but didn't. Last cycle I would have been debilitated from migraines. Also, I've been taking lupron again (and we all know how much I absolutely hated this medication last cycle). Well guess what? So far I'm handling it!!! Let's not get too excited or anything, though...I'm on it until October 30th and in the mean time I will soon start to have to take estrogen pills. 

I can't wait to remember to take a picture of my new progesterone needles to show you all. They are at least 3 times larger than my normal lupron needles. I'm very apprehensive about these injections. First off, I have to take them in the butt. Second, I can't do them myself. ... ... So I will have to somehow teach my husband, who has never injected anything at all before and kinda has no small motor skills, to inject me in the ASS with a 3 inch long Needle!!! Stay tuned, folks...that will be an interesting post!!

In the mean time I have been slowly adjusting to the new school year. We are about 7 weeks in. It's still pretty busy but I feel like this year is just going to be crazy. I have been hanging out with friends in my spare time and just, ya know...making memories!! 

1st Failed IVF and on to FET

Well folks...got the call today that I'm definitely not pregnant. Lets back up a few days. 

Last week I was obsessively taking pregnancy tests as I knew I should have started getting a positive result sometime after Wednesday.  I know my body so so well that I kind of knew the whole time it didn't work but still held out hope that maybe it was just too early. Some of the signs it didn't work:  not tired at all, whereas when pregnant I can barely stay up past 8pm, no nausea, I was able to brush my teeth without gagging, and my boobs were so not sore that they almost felt numb. That's always been my single most immediate sign that I'm pregnant-sore breasts. So...yeah I knew but it took a few days to accept. It's also hard to accept when people tell me I'm just being crazy and paranoid. 

By Saturday night I started very lightly spotting and by Sunday was spotting heavily. I took my last test Monday morning (just for one last chance, as I would have already had a period by then if not for the progesterone), and of course it was not only negative but my period had really started. 

I called the doctor's office and told them about the bleeding and the negative HPTs, so they let me come in today for blood work instead of Friday. Today I got the call that it was negative. I have to say it didn't even phase me because I knew already. On Sunday I had been really upset- not necessarily because I wasn't pregnant but more so feeling sorry for myself that I had gone through so much trying to prep for the IVF-medications, headaches, mood swings, and pretty much lost half my summer to this and then it was all for nothing. That is what I was so upset about. Oh and that I had to go to a baby shower the day my period started and I realized for real I wasn't pregnant. That was fun. Not. 

So the plus side to this is that now I have some time to focus on losing weight. I had gained about 17 total pounds since last November when I had my miscarriage and probably close to 30 since last Summer. Luckily I've already lost 7 pounds this month (another sign it didn't work). It seems that I will be doing a "Frozen Egg Transfer" or FET on November 8. That's about 6 weeks from now. So I should be able to lose 10 pounds in that time right?  Oh oh the other good news is that I don't have to take the pill to prep for FET!!! I kind of had to beg but the doctor is allowing if Woo Hoo!! I don't have all the specifics yet but at least I know I can let my body rest for a few weeks and I can focus on MY health and well being. 

I do wish, however, that I could get started with the adoption process. What I mean is to just get the information and see what it is all going to entail. I guess I am a control freak and just want to have something to be in charge of. 

...so that's it for now I suppose!! :-( 

The dreaded Two Week Wait

Wow I have a lot to catch up on! I was originally scheduled for a 3 day transfer last Thursday. On Wednesday the doctor called and told me that he would prefer to, and so recommend to, do a 5 day transfer instead. I was a little leery but basically he explained that I had so many embryos that were looking good and others that were close behind that it would be impossible to choose only two on day 3. (At that time they should be 4 cells)  They all look the same so who knows which are actually better? If I didn't have so many, 7-10+, the I would have gone ahead with the 3 day transfer. By the time of the 5 day transfer, I had only 2 really good looking embryos, and 3-4 ok ones. We transferred the two "great" ones. It was cool to watch! The doctor said he would give the remaining embryos one more day to grow before determining how many to freeze. Turns out only 1 made it to freeze. So in retrospect I'm really happy we did the 5 day transfer because the other embryos didn't even make it. Crazy considering I started with 17 eggs!! 

Now I am 2dp5dt (two days past 5 day transfer lol). I am in my dreaded TWW. I feel like I've lived my life in a series of two week increments for the last 18 months. Two week wait, negative test, two weeks waiting for ovulation, two week wait and so on. This two week wait is shaping up to be something...quite awful. Starting the day of the transfer I have been sick. Really sick. Friday, day before transfer, I was getting hoarse and feeling a little fatigued. Saturday morning I woke up with an extremely sore throat and coughing fits-lovely. Luckily I was able to keep it in check during the procedure. By late afternoon "the sickness" had spread up into my head and stuffiness joined the symptoms. Yesterday I woke up even more sick!!!! Horrible. Horrible day. Today I had to go to work. I could barely talk. Did I mention I'm a teacher? Yeah, need to talk for that. My chest is seriously hurting from coughing and trying to talk all day (and can I mention the 7:45 am nosebleed?). So, if there are any symptoms, I can't feel them. I have just been taking Tylenol so as to hopefully prevent a fever!!

Now, can we talk about the progesterone inserts? What a mess!!  First of all I have to "insert" them 3 times a day.  This means once at work. I can't remember to do it at 2:30 and am always late. I have ruined 2 pairs of underwear. Literally taken them off and said "not worth it" and thrown them away. I even bought these bigger "long" length pads. I don't know what else to do. Standing at work all day makes it all leak and it's just gross. 

Well I hope it works but am prepared for it to not work. We shall see!! Beta test is scheduled for Friday 9/27. So...far...away...

I will definitely be poas whether I'm supposed to or not. 

And we have some zygotes!!

Well Dr. Griffin called today (in the middle of while I was teaching, of course) to let me know the results of the fertilization.  He was VERY pleased and so are we!!  Of the 17 eggs retrieved yesterday, 13 fertilized and are growing properly.  6 were fertilized using some special method (shouldn't I have written this down? oh well) and all 6 are perfect.  Of the remaining 11 that were fertilized more "naturally", 7 made it.  He thinks the other four that didn't fertilize properly were probably just immature.  So this is exciting!!  I go for the transfer on Thursday at 10am.  I sure hope my little zygotes grow grow grow!!!

Having to stand a lot at work today definitely was difficult.  My poor ovaries HURT!!  Now my back hurts too.  I was given a script for loritabs and I think I might break down and take one later, just to get a little relief.  Tomorrow I'm going to try to sit more, although I don't know how that's going to work out.  All in all, despite the discomfort and mild headache (story of my life), I'm in very good spirits and looking forward to getting this done with.  Even if it doesn't work out this month I hope I have enough embryos to freeze so that I can just use them next cycle instead of going through all of this.

Fingers Crossed!!!

ER Day!! -Success!

Today was the big day. I could not eat or drink anything after midnight so I woke up and of course was hungry haha. Had I been allowed to eat I probably wouldn't have wanted to eat!! Chad and I headed off to the clinic around 7:15, with his sample safe, snug, and warm in between my legs. The weird things I have to do for this!!! We were both pretty tired. I will admit I was a little apprehensive but only ONLY because I was worried they would miss the window and I already ovulated. The pain I was in during the middle of the night was extreme so I got all in my head and worried that I was ovulating. 

When I arrived there was another lady all prepped too. She was definitely older than me and didn't seem to have a husband or boyfriend. Just her mom and dad and no mention of any man or even partner. Good for her!! She went in first. It only took about 30 minutes before she was awake (albeit a bit loopy) and back in the pre-op room. The anesthesiologist was out of a sitcom-hilarious. They had me walk into the room and get on this table (a comfy table-no steel table woop!). The stirrups for my legs were reallllly high up-definitely felt like a frog. (I wonder if it was like that for my D&Cs but I had already been under some pretty heavy sedatives by then if I recall.) Dr. Anesthesiologist started to chat to me and I definitely thought the grate in the ceiling was moving. He then told me he had already started to push the meds. I basically do not remember anything else until I woke up!! Apparently I chatted with the doctor but I do not remember it a single bit. 

Once I got back to the room I got to have some squirt and animal crackers - clearly I was fine lol. Chad and the nurse told me that they retrieved 17 eggs!!! Seventeen!!!  Chad said the doc had come to tell him before I was awake. Cool! So that explains why I have been so sore and tired lately. 

I have to say overall it's been a good experience. I have been groggy all day due to the sedatives wearing off and pretty crampy buy nothing I can't handle. I was given a script for some loritabs but I won't need them. I wish I could focus and get some work done but even writing this is exhausting me. 

Next steps:  I wait for a phone call tomorrow to find out how many of the little eggs were fertilized and to receive a time for my embryo transfer on Thursday.  So now...we wait!!

Sleep Shopping

I went to the mall today with my friend and two of her three kids. We had a fabulous time! The mall wasn't busy, the kids behaved like little angels, and we both found some nice stuff. I found two super cute new pairs of shoes!! Bonus-they were on sale for $30 a piece!

Well I was there for about three hours and I have to say I am exhausted!! I felt like i was sleep-shopping and I seriously am now laying on the couch thinking about taking a nap. These ovaries need to be emptied and soon :-). Thankfully the procedure is tomorrow. I just have to remember to take my antibiotic today with dinner and then nothing to eat or drink after midnight. I can't wait to find out how many eggs will be collected. I hope lots and I hope they fertilize properly. So many things can go wrong. It's a lot to have to think about. However oh well!! It is what it is, as my school secretary says :-) 

Almost ready!!!

Yay! Went to the doctor today. He wasn't sure if he wanted to trigger me tonight or tomorrow but once he looked at my blood results he decided that I can trigger tonight and the big egg retrieval day is going to be Monday!! I'm very excited. I currently have what looks like two bunches of grapes sitting inside my body and it's fairly uncomfortable. It's also making me nauseous and tired, not to mention the headaches and such. So I'm happy to have them out!! Wish me luck :-) 

Back to school!

Ok first week is done!!! It was super crazy and busy. Tuesday and Wednesday we had to finish our classrooms, plan lessons, and sit in meetings. We have a whole new administration and everyone is a little on edge. After this week I'm really impressed with the new leaders, though!!  We shall see how things pan out as the year progresses.   And as for my students...I am spoiled because with one exception (a class of freshmen) I know all of them and have for the last 4+ years!!! So it's super easy to start and delve into things.

With the start of school I also had to start going to the doctor for ultrasounds and blood work. Would you believe that I have had to get up at the crack of dawn to go in before work every single day this week except Wednesday and I even have to go tomorrow!!!! At 8am!!!! On a Saturday!!! AHHHH it's ok though...all for a good cause.  I think I counted at least 15 follicles this morning while the doctor was measuring!!!  I actually can't wait until egg retrieval day because I get to be sedated and you know what? It means I get some nice, solid rest. 

So for now I'm going to enjoy my new BFF-my Velcro ice pack and wait for the Immitrex to kick in for this wonderful migraine I've developed. Will definitely update soon!! 

Thinking takes a lot of Energy!!

Today I met with my colleagues at Panera to do some work for the new school year.  We all are teaching the same courses this year and are supposed to common plan so that we are all doing the same things.  This is the first year that we have really come together to put four powerful brains together to create some very unique ideas!!! We decided to try Interactive Notebooks this year, so we are all trying something new together.

It's great - in the past we, the members of our science department, have all been very cordial and professional with each other but we didn't know each other very well, with the exception of my BFF Annette :-).  Last year Annette and I became much closer with one of our colleagues while the other was out on maternity leave and unfortunately was only part time at our school.  This year we are really coming together.  What makes me happy is that not only are we being professional and respectful but it seems like we really genuinely are liking each other's company!  It's so pleasant and not to toot my own horn or anything but we are all very intelligent and come with a wealth of experience so I am happy to plan and share with my department.  We planned out our whole first unit for one course, a few weeks for another, and came up with some ideas for common rules, etc. 

This is what the public doesn't understand about teachers - we just spent almost four hours on a SUNDAY of Labor Day weekend working!! We do work in the summer - just from home (I should be doing a flipchart right now LOL!!!)! I'm happy to do it but I wish that teachers weren't perceived as "Public Enemy # 1".  Sure, some people don't do their jobs but they aren't the majority. 

What I have forgotten about, having been on a glorious summer vacation for the past two months, is how exhausting it is to THINK that much!!!  When I came home Chad was ready to go to the Chicken Wing Festival (annual Buffalo tradition!) and I could barely think straight.  Next week is going to be rough!  I know that once I get back into the swing of things it will be just fine...my brain just needs to adjust to real life.  I'm sure the hormones aren't helping much...

...speaking of which...that's what this blog is supposed to be about so here is a picture of all of the medications I have to take nightly now that I am quickly approaching "ER Day" (Egg Retrieval).  I still won't know exactly when it is but it will probably be within about a week or so.  I am starting to feel a lot better (knock on wood!!!) as far as the headaches and general lack of a will to get off the couch go.  I know from experience that I will probably get tired quickly, bloated, and very crampy as I approach ER day but I'll take that over a migraine any day!  I even got a Lupron-related hot flash the other day and could have cared less!!  I know all of this will be worth it in the end...and knowing what I have experienced from my first two pregnancies - it's just gonna' get worse!!  Bring it on :-)

Oops!

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I have (fingers crossed and yay!!) had nothing going on!! I drop my lupron dose in half tomorrow (double yay!) and start taking follistim and "solution X" lol which is actually a dilute HCG I guess. I feel like this process has been going on forevvvvverrrrr. 

I went to for a baseline scan and bloodwork on tuesday. My doctor had a resident with him. He showed her my ovaries and said they were nice and big, which i guess is good because then he told me i have beautiful ovaries!! Great to know...so why cant I get pregnant right now? LOL. 

So anyway  things should start getting interesting soon! I'll keep ya posted :-) 

Btw I write a lot of posts using my iPhone so I hope you will ignore the occasional error that I don't catch!! Sometimes autocorrect isn't so great lol. 

Lupron is a drug forged from the depths of hell by satan and his minions...

...not that I believe in that stuff. So if you've been following my posts recently you'll have noticed my rants about headaches and the like. Well I landed myself in an urgent care center again today, narrowly escaping a middle of the night trip to the ER. I have been having headaches varying from pain in the ass to migraine strength since 8/1 now. Yesterday I developed yet another on my trip to Saratoga Springs, NY but alas, I ran out of immitrex so I started poppin Excedrine Migraine. It took the edge off but after 5 pills in 5 hours I still felt pretty awful. I did get to go to the rodeo though!!! It was so much fun:

My favorite is the bull riding and bareback horse riding. 

Afterwards I took my shot 'o  Lupron, birth control pill, 2 metformin, and a couple of excedrine. I woke up around 3am in excruciating pain!!!! I almost asked my husband to take me to the ER-which is bad for me. Finally around 6am I was able to fall asleep for a few hours. Definitely did not really improve. I was crying pretty much all day (so unlike me) so finally we decided to try out the Saratoga hospital urgent care center. I have to give a shout out because they were SO nice!!! Some shots from my "stay":

I still am at a 4 or 5 but definitely feel better. I also got my fertility doc to prescribe a steroid pack and allow me to stop taking my birth control (after he consulted with a neuro dr). So now I'm just relaxing and hoping to get rid of this once and for all!!  I asked a friend who did IVF if she got sick on Lupron and she said oh yes!! Terrible headaches. I know this is all for a good cause but c'mon man!! I can't live like this. I just keep telling myself that hopefully I can get pregnant after all of this and it will be for a good reason. :-) 

Lupron and a trip to the beach!

Well that didn't take long! I took my first injection of Lupron last night. It's 2pm and I have already been dealing with a rather annoying headache and some nausea. I don't know if this headache is related to the migraine I had yesterday or not but oh well. I am thankful that I have an appointment with the neurologist in exactly one week and I start taking the stims the same day. Fingers crossed!!

Anyhoo...yesterday Chad and I finally made it to the beach!! We have been going to Crystal Beach every year for the last 7 years but this is the first we didn't get a beach house and stay. We thought we were going to have a baby but alas, we didn't. My friend Kelly got her's this year so we visited for the day. While there we made a pact to call and book the same place (right on the beach!!) within the next few weeks. Basically this time we don't care if we have an infant or not-going to the beach for a week in the summer is just what we do,it's who we are!! We had such a fabulous time. Here are some pictures...

Getting closer to starting the meds

Today I started googling the side effects of Lupron, one of the meds I will be on for about 2-3 weeks. It's job is to suppress the reproductive system so that  I don't accidentally ovulate early. I don't know why I do this to myself but now I'm worried!! The biggest complaints from women undergoing IVF and taking lupron were hot flashes, severe irritability, and HEADACHES!! I seriously might need to just go live at urgent care if I keep having to get headaches (3rd migraine this month today). 

Apparently the symptoms ease some once I add the follistim in to grow my eggs. I have an appointment at the neurologist on the 27th so fingers crossed hopefully I can keep the headaches under control with OTCs until then. I don't actually know if I should be taking them but I assume at least until I get my period it should be OK...which is when my last MEGA migraine hit. This time I will be prepared and start taking action nightly to hopefully prevent an onslaught of pain. 

In other news I went to school to work more on my classroom. It's t-minus 2 weeks until school starts and I still don't know exactly what I'm going to be teaching (hmm maybe that's my headache!!). I meant to take pictures today to post of my work in progress and all the fun things I've bought and done but alas, I forgot. Maybe next week I will remember and post some pics!! 

Things just got real

There's definitely a difference between saying "oh I will just have to take a few shots a night to prepare for this" and getting a huge box full of medication and needles in the mail.  Today I got home from a wonderful lunch with some friends, newly engaged (congrats!), and found a box full of a bottle of medication, alcohol wipes, syringes, a sharps container, a whole folder on directions for giving yourself injections, and it was all stored in a fancy ice pack.  I luckily don't have to start these medications until the 19th.  Reading through the side effects was kind of scary.  This medication is used to suppress reproductive hormones.  Fatigue, breast size changes, dizziness, nausea, lack of appetite, etc.  FUN!!! Can't wait...  Here's what I received:

I am just happy I will be dealing with the majority of this before school starts and within the first weeks of the school year.  We had our school remodeled over the last two years and are in the process of moving back in right now.  I feel like it's more work than my own house sometimes!  As a science teacher I have tons of boxes of lab equipment, models, books, etc to unload.  I also hope to be at this site for quite some time so I want to find the perfect way to store it!!  I'm kind of an "out of sight out of mind" kind of girl, so I have to make sure I label everything and make it accessible.  We also will have a new principal and a lot of things will be changing (hopefully for the better) because of that - so all in all between IVF preparations and "back to school" preparations (which I am also doing in between paragraphs here - my ADD is kicking in) it will be a busy end of August/September! 

Sissy is here!

My sister came to town last night, for the weekend. She was just here a week ago, but it is always nice when she is here. Its a built in best friend sleepover. She lives in Chicago. We are all happy because she just finally got a real lawyer job!!! Its funny because as educators we haven't really had much if a routine for the last month. I don't think I've even cooked dinner in weeks.  We basically spent 70$ on pop, water, chips & dip, and cookies. This will keep her happy. 

My parents are also in town so today we are all hanging out at my Aunt's pool. It's so nice!! It is one if my favorite things to do in the summer. I have been dragging my friends and their kids to the pool whenever I can too. 

My cousin's bridal shower is tomorrow. It's nice to have lots of things to do to take my mind off all the waiting-to-wait-till-IVF ridiculousness.  I ordered my first "I have to pay for this" medication. It was only (lol) $199. So now until the 19th I can just relax and enjoy!! 

Good thing I'm ok with needles!

Today I had my first in a series of visits to prep me for IVF. Of course, fml, I woke up in the middle of the night with another migraine and forgot to bring all the paperwork. Luckily my doctor and nurses are SO NICE they said bring it all next time. Whoops!!  

So I guess I kind of blocked out the reality of what they were going to do to me today, even though it wasn't that bad. I had the actual doctor examine my uterus (usually it's just a nurse). He first had to swab and clear my cervix, then insert a catheter into my uterus. He had said I would need an abdominal ultrasound to help guide the cath but it was so easy that he never needed to do it! Wonderful. So I have to say having catheters inserted into your uterus isn't pleasant. My uterus always cramps down trying to push it out. Luckily I'm used to it. Anyway so then he added the vaginal ultrasound wand and then filled up my uterus with water!! Weird!! It was to make sure everything was perfect in there...and it was. He said my uterus looks as perfect as if could. Woo hoo!! (However then wtf why is it so hard for me to get/stay pregnant? Oh well). 

So then I met one of the lovely IVF nurses, Kathy. She is seriously so nice. The whole staff there is so amazing that its hard to see other doctors now. Anyway she provided me with a custom calendar or events. I am going to end up taking three different medications throughout mid-late August and in to early September. Of course they aren't pills!!!  Oh no, they are all injections. So Kathy had to teach me how to use the needles and draw the proper amounts from the vials. Fun times ahead. At least I have about a week and a half before I have to start all this. In the meantime I really have to get rid of this cluster of migraines once and for all. Chad is being really nice about it all but I can tell his patience is waning. Going to start on a steroid pack tomorrow. Wish me luck! 

Really, more babies?

This is just getting ridiculous now. Today I went to work to start setting up my class room and to attend a "meet and eat" with the new principal. It was a lot of fun. I had an opportunity to vent with another friend/colleague about our fertility struggles and how frustrating it is that so many of our friends are on their second pregnancies while we are still hoping and trying for baby #1. She laughed and told me how she always looks at the support group poster at the doc's office but decides we have a support group right at work!! Anyway, point of the story is that two, yes two, people at work are now pregnant with their second babies. Obviously I'm super happy for them, I am very fond of both individuals, but SERIOUSLY?!?  Seriously.

Fingers crossed that this whole IVF thing works and I manage to actually stay pregnant for more than two months. Until then I can go buy cards and gifts for the 5 people I know who are having babies between December and February lol. WtF was going in last April?! Baby boom 

Oh well!!!  Rant over :-) 

On to IVF

Well I am definitely not pregnant and so we are definitely moving on to IVF.  First I have to go on birth control pills for three weeks to settle everything down.  It's nice to have a whole month of not having to worry about everything I eat, drink, lift, etc, but I hate being on birth control pills.  I hate how I feel on them and how they make me get headaches.  Speaking of which, when I got my period this past week I also got a lovely menstrual migraine...that lasted FOUR whole DAYS!  I basically couldn't function and barely got through each day's pre-planned activities.  I finally broke down on the fourth day and went to an Immediate Care center near me.  Normally with a headache this bad I'd go for an IV treatment at my neurologist but since I hadn't been to see him since 2011 they wouldn't take me, ugh!  So luckily the PA that I saw at the urgent care has a girlfriend with migraines and gave me an IV with a steroid, anti-nausea, and a pain killer.  Would you believe that I still left with a headache???!!!  However, I finally woke up feeling great today and *fingers crossed* I'll stay that way for a while now.  In the mean time I made an appointment for the end of August to see the neuro again and get an updated treatment plan... even though by the time I go I'll be very close to IVF time and probably won't be able to take any meds any more.  Ah c'est la vie!

Back to the IVF ridiculousness.  Wow I thought I had a lot of doctor's appointments when I was using follistim but now I'll have even more!!!  I have to go this week to get my uterus measured so that they can make a special catheter for me (for use when placing the blastocysts back in after fertilization).  After that I get a "teach" appointment where the nurse reviews all my dates and meds that I'll be taking.  Apparently I get to go home with a "calendar of events" woo hoo!  Well let me tell you this is a pain but if it results in a child then I'm happy to do it.  My question is...when do I have to pay?  I guess I'll find out on Thursday when I go.  Unfortunately C can't come with me this week but he is finally going to discuss the situation with his superintendent and principal at work so that he can take some days off for all of this and not have to hear about it.  I don't know why he hasn't mentioned it sooner...I mean he has had to take a half-day at least once a month or so for all of the IUIs we have done. 

In other news - where is summer?  It's been only in the 70s lately and we're lucky to see the sun for a whole day.  Today C and I were able to go to my aunt's pool for some serious R&R...very nice!!! 

...a little background

I am 31 years old and have been happily married to my husband, who is 33, for two years. I am a science teacher and my husband is a school counselor. We met when I was 23 and have been together since. We got married in the summer of 2011 and spent our honeymoon in Hawaii. When we returned to school in September we found out that we were pregnant and were shocked but really happy! 

Unfortunately at our first OB appointment in October we learned that the baby had no heartbeat and had probably stopped growing sometime in the 6th week. I had a D&C soon after. Btw I highly recommend doing it. So anyway I knew that I might have issues getting pregnant again and told my husband, C, but he felt that we should take some time and wait until the following summer before deciding to see a fertility specialist. (You see one of my best friends was seeing one and conceived her first baby using follistim, an injectable hormone therapy, so it was a topic I brought home to the dinner table frequently). C didn't believe and/or understand that I would have any trouble getting pregnant again. So...I went with it for a while. 

By February I had had enough. My periods were random and erratic. My "bestie" at work was ready to call the doc to try for baby #2. I was getting super impatient and summer seemed so far away. I called and made my first consult appointment for late February. C was furious but allowed me to keep the appointment (yay!). He got over it haha. 

Turns out I have PCOS. Shocker!! I knew this but never could get a regular doctor to confirm it. Basically it meant that without medication I have a huge risk of miscarriage due to hormone imbalances and poorer egg quality. I was put on metformin daily to help my ovary function and unknown-to-me insulin resistance, a hallmark of PCOS. I also began a regimen of femara, a nice little breast cancer drug that just so happens to help induce follicle and egg growth in the ovary!  We tried this until June (3cycles) with no success before adding IUI to the process. I had a total of four rounds of IUI/femara/ovidrel (with 2 "chemical" pregnancies) before I finally conceived again in the first week of September!!! YAY!!!

This time I was under the care of my wonderful RE until I was about 7 weeks along. C and I got to see the heartbeat which was so amazing. I was a little concerned that the heart beat was only in the 120s but was assured by the nurses and doctors that it was fine, on the low end of normal. I was released to my OB, so I finally started to relax a little. 

My first OB appointment was about a week later and everything looked good. I was seeing a new OB (same as my bestie lol) and he was great. Heart beat was there and he said everything looked good...except I had a bit of blood behind the placenta. He said no worries just take it easy, no lifting, no "relations" hahaha. His term not mine!! 

Ok so that brings us to November 1, a fee days to a week after that appointment. I woke up with a little red bleeding. Freaked out, called Dr W, and he said to call back if it continued it worsened. I was really nervous because I had a teeny, tiny amount of blood in my first pregnancy too. By the afternoon, however it was gone. I felt a little better and didn't bother calling him back. 

Big Mistake. Went I went to the next appointment I should have been about 11 weeks. No heart beat.  Baby measured 8 and a half weeks or so. I was by myself. I was devastated. Two times? Really? Yes. Really. So I had another D&C the week before Thanksgiving and called my RE about a week later. 

This one was more difficult because more people knew about it. For one thing C insisted on telling his family and mine around the 9 week mark. I had been nervous to say anything (intuition perhaps? I know my body!!). Also another "bestie" at work was pregnant at the same time and only a few weeks ahead of me. The real kicker was that a few if my students were starting to suspect (they decided I had to be pregnant with my attitude lol!!). Oh well. My principal and staff were all super supportive and let me take off the whole week leading up to the holiday to recover. 

Back to the RE I went. To make it short (lol as I start the 1000th paragraph) I resumed my femara treatments and after three weird, unsuccessful cycles, I started on injectables. Now this is what my best friend at work used for her kids and it worked the first time, each time. She even had a set of twins!  So needless to say I was excited to get started. 4 unsuccessful cycles later I am sitting here with my period, annoyed with all normal women, and super frustrated. We have decided to move on to IVF and will begin "treatments" soon by starting on the pill (I know, seems backward but after having to go on it each cycle to reduce cysts I get why). So that's where this journey is headed!!!  At least I'll have the month of August free of needles, doctor appointments, and ultrasounds. Stay tuned!!!