6 weeks 3 days

Last week I freaked out over the spotting and the office let me come in for a scan. 

Here is the result. I was told everything looks great. I am right around 5w6 or 6w0 at the time of this picture. You can see that the two gestational sacs have clearly grown in size in just one week. They also both have a yolk sac visible. I don't think there is a fetal pole clearly visible In either but the nurse said there is "a structure" in B. B is measuring a little bigger than A. Now see that little spot at the top? That's probably why I'm spotting all the time. The doctor explained that he isn't concerned because it's not too close to either sac and isn't too big. They will keep an eye on it I guess. I go back on Thursday, May 2, which is one week and one day after this scan.  So over all I'm feeling better about things. Once I see those heartbeats, however, I'll be a lot more positive. 

Symptoms so far 

-on and off nausea/gagging. It doesn't last all day and isn't every day. I was dry heaving at work one morning but haven't actually thrown up. *fingers crossed*

-sore boobs. Again this is an on and off symptom. Some days it's very sore and feels like I'm being stabbed. Others I just feel tender to the touch. Like today they are only tender if I touch them. Yesterday I had stabbing pains all day and night. 

-tired!!!!! I can barely get up in the morning. I come home from work and lay on the couch until I go to bed lol. I slept for 12 hours last night and then was tired all morning too. I then rustled up the strength to shower and dress myself around 1, went out to lunch and to run a few errands, and then was so tired I had to come back home to my couch. 

-cramping-not like a period but more so on one or both sides like ovary pain and/or across my uterus area like pulling, sometimes stabbing sensations. Hoping this is due to stretching and growing to make room for two. 

-still spotting. Usually brown. Sometimes dark brown. Sometimes spots of red. Never really makes it into the panty liner. It seems to be worse at night and worse when I am cramping. Hoping it's due to the stretching and the SCH. I have read and heard even from my doc that bleeding is more common in twin pregnancies. Knowing is only half the battle, however, and I still stress about it. 

I hope all this means that they are both growing appropriately and that on Thursday I will see two tiny heartbeats. 

Roller coaster

Hmm. I just spent an hour googling things because I have a bad attitude today. Then I think to myself about why I have the time to google now-it's because I almost gagged before my shower then still felt nauseous and exhausted after and had to just sit on the couch. Honestly the thought of going back to work tomorrow after a lovely spring break is terrifying. I'm so tired. All the time. All I have to say is I hope that means babies A and B are snuggled in good and are starting to have cardiac contractions. I'm 5 weeks 5 days today! 9 more days to get through after today then I'll wake up and get to see them. Hopefully them. Or at least one. Idk it's so hard to be positive after two miscarriages and lots of  disappointment. It's like I am faking this and it's not real. Ahhh I hate waiting and I hate not being in control. Wouldn't it be nice if they made little hand-held ultrasound machines for women like me? That way I could check on it every day and get some reassurance. My husband thinks I am legit crazy at this point. Maybe I am. Oh well!! 

5w3d nightmares

Ok so all night last night I dreamt about bleeding and trying to see a doctor. However I could never get one to examine me and never get anything confirmed. I think my dreams were just reflecting my actual anxiety over the being out of control in this situation and the unknown. Today I feel a little better about everything, despite the dreams. My boobs are more sore today again. I don't feel sick or anything like that but I slept for a million hours and I am still sleepy. I have to make it 10 more days until I go to the doctor for my second ultrasound to see how/if the babies have grown and their heartbeats. Will there be two live babies? Will there only be one? Will it all be over? Those are my possibilities. I am hoping for choice A or at the very least, B. I think if I felt more sickly I would be a little less negative, not that I enjoy being sick lol. I just am still trying to take this one day at a time and know that it could all end at any moment. 

5w2d

I wish I could just be pregnant like a normal person and live in lala land and be flowing and excited about the babies I'm growing. Not so lucky. I have had two miscarriages back to back and now I'm terrified every time something changes. So last night after going to the bathroom I had some light red/brown spotting. It went away overnight then returned more this morning. I decided to play doctor and add an extra progesterone. By the afternoon it was gone again. I couldn't shake the impending feeling of "it's all over". I googled my battery away twice in one day. I know that I'm very early in this pregnancy and that symptoms can come and go. I know that I've been doing nothing but lounging on the couch and therefore am not quite as tired as I was. I know that the spotting is probably from the progesterone inserts or straining, but I can't seem to get a grip on my anxiety. If I weren't pregnant I would have a glass of wine and try to relax. However, lol, I cannot do that!! 

5w1d

What a whirlwind it's been the last few days! My beta numbers doubled perfectly, even actually a little more than double.  I had my first ultrasound and saw the gestational sacs. What's that, you say? Was that plural? Yep! 2!! It's too early to declare it twins but I'm going with it. The doctor said once I see two heart beats then I can really plan on in being twins. I'm officially pregnant but still taking it just a day at a time. 

Symptoms:

-extreme, and I mean extreme, mind numbing fatigue. It usually hits in the afternoon. 

-on and off nausea/gagginess that hits anytime and without warning. 

-really tender bbs. Tender to the touch and occasional random shooting pain. 

-kinda constantly hungry. Even if I feel sick. I eat...I feel full for a quick minute...I feel hungry. I feel hungry right now. Like painfully so. Wtf?

-super super greasy hair and my face is breaking out like a teenager in puberty!!! 

Here is the ultrasound: 

And the results are in...

Well folks...My wonderful IVF Ann called and the numbers are in:

1554

Holy moly! That's higher than I'd been expecting that's for sure. Now I go back on Wednesday to make sure my levels are progressing as expected, which is the real test. I also get to have an ultrasound to see if they can see a gestational sac (...or two omg). It might be a little too early but they are going to try anyways. If they don't see it they will resched for a few days later. So all in all I'm hoping by Friday or Saturday at the latest I'll at least know if this is a viable pregnancy and if we are talking one or two little ones in there. 

Then of course the next hurdle is waiting for a heart beat ...

...then every time thereafter waiting for a heart beat omg. It's going to be a rough ride for me! But I'm happy, for today. 

Waiting...

It's beta day! Ahhh the waiting is torture!!! They should call by four...it's 1:30...

Have been trying to avoid this

Since my transfer I have been trying to avoid posting here, because I know that many of my friends read my posts. However, I feel the need to vent. My beta is tomorrow, which will be 14dp5dt or about 4wks and 5 days pregnant. Yes, I have been getting positive tests for over a week now. They started showing positive on 5dp5dt, or 10dpo, which is very early. The FRER tests now are ao dark that the test line is darker than the control line. 

See? This is from today (13dp5dt). It showed up almost as soon as I put it down. The CBE digitalis look like this: 

Pretty cool right? 

Well my frustration is that I have had a few episodes of spotting. Once on 8dp5dt which lasted most of the day but was gone by the next day-all brown to pink. The next started yesterday and has continued into this morning- again brown, chunkiness. Yuck! So obviously I freak out every time. How can you not? I haven't had a beta yet, and every pregnancy I have ever had has ended in miscarriage. Everything I have read, and believe me I have read everything, says that bleeding or spotting in early pregnancy is common, especially in women who underwent IVF. I also have read that using the endometrin suppositories can cause spotting due to irritating the cervix. That makes sense because sometimes I have to really jam it up there and my cervix is clearly in the way. I also read that in early pregnancy the inner lining of the cervix can "roll out" a little becoming exposed and therefore more susceptible to "trauma". Isn't it crazy? Even though I know all this, however, it's just hard to not freak out. I'm taking things one day at a time and trying to be ready for the worst. 

Symptoms: 

-Extreme fatigue-extreme. 

-Nausea after eating. Almost every time I eat. The preggie pop drops are a lifesaver. Seriously couldn't make it through the day without. 

-Constant, annoying, headache. Not a migraine, just there. It makes it difficult to do anything. I'm sure the impending thunderstorms aren't helping this situation. 

-Usually my bbs are very sensitive in the afternoon/evening. 

-have been experiencing some on and off cramping, for lack of a better word. It's like I have a needle going into my uterus. It's very localized discomfort and doesn't last long. I'm hoping it's just stretching :-/

So...fingers crossed. I can't wait to find out my results tomorrow but more importantly see my doubling time on the second beta. 

4dp5dt

Symptoms: nothing really exciting. Sometimes I'm really tired and sometimes I'm not. Sometimes I have sore breasts and sometimes I don't. I have had to drink a lot because I have had dry mouth and therefore I have had increased urination. Cervical fluid has been pretty consistent. Have had some waves of gagginess. No actual nausea though. Just sometimes I go to talk and I gag lol. Or sometimes I cough and almost throw up lol. No biggie. All above symptoms can directly be attributed to progesterone though so it means nothing to me. 

I've tried my very very best to be cool calm and collected this time around. I haven't bought any pregnancy tests yet. I might tomorrow idk. I'm a POAS addict. Once I start, I can't stop. Do they sell pregnancy tests in bulk at BJ's??? Omg if they do I'm going to stock up oh boy!! 

Oh and the biggest thing that I just love is how, thanks to the progesterone and estrogen, I cry all the time for no reason, like driving to work. Or driving home. Or watching teen mom. 

I'm hoping for the best but planning for another cycle I think.