Successful Embryo Transfer

I just got home from my embryo transfer. We were able to transfer two blasts-one a little more advanced than the other. My clinic doesn't share the grades with us. The Doctor just said they "looked good".

 What Chad and I have realized is that it really doesn't matter how perfect the embryo is-it's still just all up to chance as to whether it will implant and whether I can carry to term. With that in mind I feel like I am much more calm this time around. I also feel pretty good, minus the progesterone side effects of course. I have to wait until April 14 to do a pregnancy test OMG that is such a long wait. If I can hold out till next Monday before buying a ton of pregnancy tests I will feel accomplished. 

As for the rest of my little babies-I started with 12 eggs, 9 fertilized, one was abnormal (3 nuclei), 2 arrested early, and that left 5. Two turned into blasts and were transferred today. The three remaining are still at the morula stage. The embryologists are going to give them a few more days to grow in culture and if any expand to healthy looking blasts they will freeze. I'm hoping at least one, preferably two, can make it to freeze. In the end, however, at least I got the two in today. 

Now it's out of my hands-I just need to stay healthy and positive and not over-exert myself at all. 

Differences from previous two transfers:

1.  On the day of my first, I was starting to get seriously sick. I ended up with flu-like symptoms and a horrible cold lasting over a week, if not longer. I had fevers constantly and was like the walking dead. I should have stayed home from work.  I seriously feel like I fried my embryos-whether that is accurate scientifically or not. 

2. On the day of the frozen cycle transfer I had been experiencing mega debilitating migraines and was taking a lot of meds to compensate (including trips to urgent care for IV meds). I'm sure my body wasn't in a good place physically. 

...so I'm just gonna relax as much as possible for the next few days and try to keep the anxiety to a minimum. 

Wish me luck!! 

Thank you Dr

Thank you Doctor for not giving me too many details about everything. It's helped me to stay calm(er) through the last few days. This past Wednesday I had my egg retrieval. 12 eggs were successfully removed and 9 of those fertilized. How, you may ask? I don't know! He didn't tell me and I didn't ask, since I was standing the school stairwell where I work. Next, he called me today and said that "the embryos look great-let's push your transfer to Monday at 11am". Ok! Any other details? Nope! I was literally in the middle of class and had 12 teenagers staring at me. So because of this I have nothing to obsessively google or think about. Also it gives me a few more days to recover from the egg retrieval-which really knocked me down a few pegs this time. I wasn't nervous at all going into it. The anesthesiologist put the mask on my face after I was all stirruped-up and told me to breathe deeply. Next thing I vaguely remember is the nurse telling me to get up. I honestly do *not* remember getting into the wheel chair. I do *not* know who tied up my gown in the back-I certainly didn't but it was tied when I changed. I remember getting into the chair and just being out of it. For a long time. Like really out of it. Then the cramping started. It wasn't pleasant. Then my heart rate started setting off alarms lol...at which point I groggily looked at the machine and said "I alive dammit seriously?" So I stayed in recovery for probably an hour. When I got home I slept most if the day. Now I just have to make it through Monday and see what happens!! Not overly optimistic but everyone else is so I figure they can keep me positive. Why the negativity? Not negative, really, just staying in a safe zone of apathy unless something positive actually happens. 

So...that's it for now!! "They look great". Ok!! I can live with that. 

Made it 11 days...

I made it 11 days before getting a migraine. I'm talking a real hormone induced migraine. The kind that caused me to almost throw up at work-while teaching-...twice lol. I can laugh at it now but damn...not fun!! I may have had a mini melt down over it by the end of the evening but I have come to accept this as part of the process. I started follistim and "solution x" last night. I'm hoping these will start to counteract the lupron headachy-ness soon! 

Now today I have still been dealing with it but keeping it in check while I lay low. I am going shopping with the besties tonight and have several birthday and shower gifts to purchase...so I have to be ok :-) 

A picture of my nightly routine of 3-4 injections:  .1cc solution x (or 10 units on the insulin needle), .05 units Lupron (down from .1 previously), 250 units Follistim (administered in two pen injections since I had a partially used vial already in place). 

...and the aftermath of all of that. The bruising is definitely starting to become prominent around my thigh.  

Note: for anyone preparing to do this, most of these injections are painless to a mild sting. The follistim pen needle is actually so thin that it is barely noticeable going in. Sometimes it stings afterwards. It helps to have the meds at room temperature so I hold all refrigerated vials in my hand for a few minutes before injecting. The bruising it causes makes it look worse than it actually is. 

A Girl's Best Friend during a #MarchBlizzard

One of my go to headache/migraine relief therapies is my clay head wrap. It works wonders on relieving mild headache pain and dulling excruciating migraine pain. As I get closer and closer to transfer, my goal is to be less reliant on medication. So for now, it's my "purple ice pack" to the rescue! I just thought I would share, since this is a common issue. It's heavy, can be heated or frozen (I prefer frozen), and has a Velcro elastic band that can be wrapped around to hold it in place for extra pressure (especially during blizzards like today!)

I'm going to need HRT when I'm 50

My estrogen levels have clearly bottomed out. I can tell because my head hurts (only mildly but I have been popping 4 Aleve a day as a preventive measure), I'm  super moody (sorry guys) and I'm insanely tired. On the plus side I had my baseline scan and I have a nice thin lining and no cysts. This means I can start taking follistim very soon. Once I start taking follistim things should improve, hopefully quickly! I just don't know how women handle life during menopause. I seriously have to only experience these kinda of symptoms for a few weeks-I can't imagine it going on forever!! I just can't tolerate anyone or anything. Could I be any more negative? 

That was yesterday. What I can say is wow, how a simple hormone therapy can mess with your mind! It's so crazy that the lupron, which causes estrogen to dramatically decrease, can alter my state of mind so severely and without warning. I woke up tired, very tired, but not in a bad mood. When I got to work after my appointment I was a little off.  By lunch I had to sit quietly or else I may have bitten someone's head off...all while having an internal argument with myself about why I was acting so "cray cray"!! Ha! Thankfully by the late afternoon I snapped out of it, with a little help from my friends. Love you guys!! If you are reading this I'm sorry I was such a bitch yesterday :-) I think that I was better by the Real Housewives of NYC premier party-how could I not be?!? 

Today is better in countless ways. Still have the nagging headache/sore neck, but it's manageable. We have a "blizzard day" so I got to sleep in!! It was so nice and much needed. I was drained yesterday. I'm still tired but I know that's just bc of the meds. I have the luxury now of just resting :-). I'm in a much happier state of being too. 

Two more days until I start follistim and approximately two weeks until ER! :-) 

Too much drama!!

Ok I just have to vent. And don't hate me (for being insensitive or for starting a sentence with "and").  I mean this is my blog so I can say whatever I want...right? Ok well within reason...

 I just read a blog post by someone I have never met but is connected to me through 800 degrees of separation...you know a friend of a friend liked something their sister's cousin put on Facebook and "bam"-it's in my news feed. So of course I read it. Then I read the comments. Then I scratched my head and reread it...because it was so confusing and theatrical! Long story short it was written by a woman who had a miscarriage (and mother f'in why I have had to, and willingly, discuss this damn topic so much this week I have no clue...I swear people are just trying to get me to break my usual happy self). Well it was just...so...dramatic. I mean yes, it is a traumatic event. For someone who has never been through it even once, let alone twice...or more, it's probably not even comprehensible to imagine what it's like. But I just don't see the point in all the drama. It happened. Mourn the loss, keep the memory alive with you, and continue on with your life. It might take longer for some than others, just like any other death, but you have to live life and just push on. I have moments where I can't talk about it without almost crying but it's usually out of self pity and I realize that pretty quickly and move on. I suppose you would have to read this post to see what I mean about the drama it contained. It was like a theater production. Am I being so insensitive because I've been able to move on? I don't know. If it happened to one of my close friends or family I'd be there for them in a heart beat and with open arms and all the understanding in the world. But...I would be real and help them get through it and move on. Not dwell. 

Ok I just realized I have kind of sounded like a bitch. Well if you haven't been keeping tabs I'm on day four of lupron. I'm blaming it on that!  

So now on to actual IVF news-there isn't any haha. Shots have been going well. I have been feeling ok physically, just a bit tired, but it could be because I have a cold. Emotionally I can feel the meds starting to take ahold of me, like little fingers of a vine slowly creeping up a fence, like in slow motion (dramatic much? HAHAHA). I am fairly steady and still upbeat and positive but my usual grip on not crying over everything is wavering. I almost, almost, was brought to tears by a friend today...but I overcame and made it!! Haha. I don't know why I have such a problem showing emotion. But I do. And such is life. 

This is just turning into rambling so let's end it on a good note... The sun is shining.  At 5:08 pm. This makes me happy :-). Every day brings me closer to ER and transfer days and maybe something to hope for. 

But not too much-too dangerous. 

Tuesday night ramblings...

Today a friend shared with me a blog post by a woman who had two miscarriages and then went on to have a baby. It was an interesting perspective. Here is the link: http://huff.to/1bPdGqB. One of the parts that really resonated with me is this:

"We believe that speaking the truth about the heartbreaking journey of losing a baby is essential. Healing comes through understanding what we have been through and what may lie ahead. By speaking about our experiences they can become integrated into who we are and allow us to move along."

Reading the whole post made me think about things I try not to think about, like the fact that I, too, should be planning a first birthday party for my child right now...pinning ideas and picking out themes and such. Instead I am on day two of shots for my third round of IVF post miscarriage. (Enter "shots" song into head...).  I realize that sounds silly but it is what I think about. So I allowed myself a few tears driving home, and maybe right now while I type, but that's it. Things could be worse. In the grand scheme of things there people far worse off. I would rather spend my energy focused on the future. I'd rather spend it helping my friends and families get through tough situations because I know I can handle it. These experiences have helped to shape the woman I have become so ultimately I don't wish they never happened, because now I think I am more compassionate, understanding, and patient.   I have a wonderful husband, many friends, I love my job and really when it comes to it-I'm truly happy right now. 

Now to close, I leave you with these e-cards, which definitely made me laugh!! 

Yes, of course! I thought maybe I could get pregnant via immaculate conception. Just like the mother-f'n Virgin Mary. 

"Just relax and it will happen". I am relaxed!! Just because I happen to want to discuss how I feel about this situation doesn't mean in not relaxed! I'm sitting in my pj's right now under a warm fuzzy blanket relaxed as can be. This brings me to the next...

My personal FAVORITE!!! 

I don't really care what your co-worker's friend's sister's daughter went through. Each person has a different set of underlying medical issues being brought to the table. I have my own protocol and will not have the same experience as her, or her, or her...  I do get support from women who have had to go through what I have for all this but it's like we are in a little sorority and people who aren't just don't get it. 

Ha!! The other day a 9th grader saw me (whom I had previously taught in middle school) and exclaimed "Miss!! Why don't you have any babies yet!?  Aren't you trying to get pregnant? Did you hear I'm pregnant?"  Lovely...just lovely. 15 years old. 

3 more weeks until ER day!! 

The devil you know...

Well I'm back!! I officially consider today the "start" of my 3rd IVF cycle (2nd fresh).  I took my first lupron shot five minutes ago and worked that needle like a pro. I'm hoping that now I have worked out many of the "kinks" (read=debilitating migraines) and can make it through this cycle without a trip to the urgent care center. 1) no birth control pills mean that the evils of lupron will be at a manageable level. 2) no PIO shots-vaginal tablets instead (that's a bundle of fun too lol). 3) occipital nerve block injections every 6 weeks to prevent some migraines from even occurring. 

I have to say that while I'm excited to begin another cycle I am also extremely apprehensive. It's hard to be positive when every experience I have had has ended in no pregnancy, chemical pregnancy, or miscarriage. I am not trying to be a Debbie Downer though- I'm just a realist. It's dangerous to be too optimistic, in my opinion, because it just sets me up for disappointment. Some of my friends/family get this and some just don't. Until you have had to go through all this I guess it's hard to relate! I don't blame anyone for being positive for me, but happy thoughts aren't going to cut it after three years of infertility haha.  The only statement that truly annoys me is the "it'll happen when it's supposed to/meant to/etc"... It's all good-hearted though so I don't hate :-)

I'll try to keep this updated over the coming weeks. Anticipated retrieval is set for the week of March 25...

So let the...um...fun begin!!!