5dp6dt

...and still haven't tested! Yay for me!!!

Ok that's BS. I really have only not tested because I have been too sick to leave the house to buy tests. Of course if I hadn't spent the last 8 days practically bed-ridden from debilitating migraines or that day of nausea/vomiting, I would have gone out and bought at least 8 tests. So here I am.  I have no idea if this worked this time. All I know is that I have had a headache since my first PIO shot, my boobs are sore (on and off), I have slight waves of nausea occasionally, especially if I am hungry, and I tend to tear up and cry all the time. I'm not a crier. But I cried through watching almost all of my DVR shows, while reading other's blogs. It's so random. I probably should start testing. I'm feeling better at the moment so I may actually be able to run to target later and buy some. 

In other news, I find it strange that every night I am waking up with a searing headache across my forehead. Then I breathe deeply switch positions and feel a little better. Wtf? I have consulted "Dr. Google" and have narrowed this down to three causes: one-I'm crazy, two-I have intracranial hypertension and will need a cerebral spinal fluid lumbar tap to diagnose, or three-I have developed sleep apnea. I'm kinda leaning towards choice one, but it's every night!! I can't wait to find out if I AM pregnant and am enduring all of this misery for a good reason, or if I am NOT pregnant and can stop all this madness. I won't even be too upset about it this time. I need to recover my health, weight, and sanity. To continue another cycle will involve a whole new round of IVF. I want to be in a better place physically and psychologically before I do!! 

Post transfer symptoms and life in general

4dp6dt

That means: four days past my transfer of a 6 day old embryo. 

...and so far I've held out and haven't tested yet!!!  Will Power!!! With that said, of course, I'll probably be testing by tomorrow (tonight if I can sneak out to buy the tests). 

My transfer did go extremely well on Tuesday. My one little embryo looked great according to Sullivan. They really aren't into grading and all that. He said if it didn't look great he just wouldn't have commented on it. 

Symptom Tracker:

1dp6dt:  slight, sudden cramps but only a few times. Otherwise was home with a migraine. Or should I say was at the dent clinic getting iv meds. Horrible day. Horrible. 

2dp6dt:  finally feeling good enough to go to work. Still had a headache but minor in contrast to the previous 5 days. Felt nauseous by 8 am. Nausea intensified all day. Threw up around 8 and again around 10. Went to bed...stayed home next day. 

3dp6dt:  stayed home. Nausea had subsided thankfully. Headache again but just a little one. Was able to eat a little throughout the day without puking. Felt a lot better by the evening all around...until I left with my husband to pick up take out and rent a movie. Apparently walking and driving were too much for me!! Pathetic. Pathetic. A few more pains in uteral region. (Yep I made that up lol)

4dp6dt:  awoke in middle of the night with a headache (again). It seems like when I lay on my back for a prolonged period of time a get woken up with severe pain in the top and back of my head. Am I developing apnea?? Idk. Went to first ever acupuncture appointment in move of desperation this morning. Seems to have helped a little. I'm gonna give it the time it deserves to see if it truly makes a difference. It's expensive though!!  Boobs are sore (but of course I attribute that to the progesterone). It's hard to symptom track because of the headaches. Not frequently peeing or anything. Just the sore boobs. 

So...that's that!!! :-) 

Progesterone

So if you've been following, you probably know how much I hate lupron. Well...progesterone is worse. Last night, around 4am, I made up a song about it to the tune of "O Christmas Tree". Yeah. While I wasn't sleeping because of progesterone induced insomnia. I wish I could remember all the words. Progesterone has also made me: nauseous, constipated, get diarreah, and endure some of the worst migraines of my life (three times to the infusion center in 5 days for iv meds woop). Let me tell you, if this cycle doesn't work then I just NEED to take a few months off to be pain free, med free, and lose some of the 40 lb I've gained during the last two years of pregnancies, miscarriages, and infertility treatments. 

Almost T time!!

One more day of waiting before I (possibly) have my embryo transfer. I hope my one little embryo can survive the thaw and at least give us a shot at getting pregnant. I would be a lot less apprehensive if I had two or three embryos on reserve. Such is luck, I suppose. I will not even know if I can go through with the transfer until that morning, which really sucks. 

In other news, I had to go to an urgent care center again this weekend. I had a nerve block done in Wednesday so I didn't think that I would have to deal with this. I ended up having a super busy, stressful week. This led to a major lack of sleep and some mega dehydration that I couldn't get ahead of. So Friday night when I was woken with severe pain, I wasn't all that surprised. I was surprised, however, when I took all the meds I was allowed and was still in excuciating pain. So off to immediate care I went. They were nice enough to give me everything I requested (saline, toridol, benedryl, magnesium and a steroid). The only thing I forgot to tell them was the anti-seizure med but I can't remember the name of it anyway. I actually fell asleep in the room and then slept most of the day. 

I gotta tell ya, after all of this I hope that embryo at least survives and can be transplanted. If not, then this was a lot to go through for absolutely nothing. Sorry to be a negative nancy but it's just reality. 

#thisshitsucks

It's always something...

I had an ultrasound and bloodwork yesterday to make sure I was progressing as expected for the FET preparations. As usual, nothing ever goes right with me. At this point in my cycle my lining should be 8 or higher. I was, at the best reading, at 6.5. The nurse and doctor said it wasn't too bad but I might have to take more estrogen or push back my transfer date. Ugh!! Luckily the bloodwork came back ok so I have to go back Thursday morning for a repeat scan. It's fine, I mean whatever, but I am starting to miss a lot of work and am coming in late often. It stresses me out. It's hard to come late or take off as a teacher and I just don't like it. So yeah...there's that. 

A little perspective

     A colleague's brother died this past week.  Normally I'm not in to death and drama and all that but this person was only a few years older than me and had just gotten married a month ago.  Upon creeping on facebook pages to try to get more information, I came across posts from his wife, now widowed, and it kind of broke my heart to read how horrible this experience is for her.  I don't know if I could survive without my husband.  We joke all the time and constantly make fun of each other but people don't know just how much I love him and I know how much he loves me.  We have such an amazing relationship - nothing is perfect, let's be real, but it works for us.  We are happy.  I am happy.  I'd rather have toothpaste in the sink and never have a meal cooked for me than not have my husband.  It kind of takes my breath away to even think about him dying on me!!  So this whole situation just really puts things into perspective.  Life is short - it's time to get in gear and start living.  Work is great, but busy.  I don't want to equate busy with "not good" though, because it is good! I love who I work with, I spend every day with some of my best friends, and I know it won't last forever as we all get older and want to move in different directions with our careers.  I also think it's time for me to start taking care of myself and my house better.  I really think that for the past year I've been in some sort of haze and just haven't been able to get with the program.  Let's be real - I'm never going to be "suzie homemaker" and have dinner on the table every night or have the dishes done 7 days a week, but I can make an effort to cook more like I used to and to keep up with the cleaning, like I used to. 

So yeah, this whole "infertility" business truly is an emotional rollercoaster but I'm thinking I just need to take a step back and enjoy what I do have for a while.  It's not going to stop me from wasting hours of my life away on google or blogs by other women.  I LOVE reading about other people's experiences.  In fact I just spent the last hour frantically scrolling through message boards written by women who have had just one frozen embryo for the FET cycle to see how many worked and how many didn't.  #obsessed (I love hashtags now, btw, just to accentuate words = one of the many quirks my husband has encouraged.  We speak in "hashtag" when no one else is listening #weareweird hahahahahaha). 

So......Time to relax, regroup, and try to stay positive.
<3

Vacation options

So assuming this doesn't work, I might get to go on vacation for February break. I have a lot of options. My first choice, of course, is Disney. Who doesn't love a magical enchanted castle? I'm obsessed.  Really obsessed. It's the happiest place on earth, people!! However, chad would also like to consider Las Vegas. I do love slot machines...the lights...the sounds...Or I could go to New Orleans! I've never been there and have recently heard it's pretty amazing. Also heard that for February break the plane ticket prices are ridiculous. However, as I type, I'm thinking what about Montreal?!? I could practice my French!!!! Decisions decisions. This all is a moot point if I end up pregnant but hey...a girl can dream!!  

Thoughts? 

Needles

Wow. So first of all I'm a horrible blogger when I am working. Second, I don't think I've ever worked as hard and as much as I do this year, and third, my house looks like a addict lives here. I know I'm supposed to put my needles in the sharps biohazard container each night (and I do!...eventually) but it's so hard to remember to do it so late at night after I've fallen asleep. And since my hubs doesn't like a biohazard box in the living room...my coffee table looks like this in the morning: 

lol. I never thought I would grow up to have needles laying all over my living room and an expert at filling a syringe. Alas, that's my life right now.  I mean...at least I clean up before company arrives. 

In other non-baby, baby news, my embryo transfer got pushed back by almost three weeks. It's a small price to pay, however, to have not had to take the pill. I only ended up in the transfusion center once (so far) this cycle for IV meds to treat a migraine.  That's not too bad!! On the negative, I have had to take so much lupron that I might end up running out and will possibly have to buy another 200.00 vial. I will buy it if I have to but that's a lot of money to pay for only a few days of injections. I think I have 7 more....and knowing that the Walgreens pharmacy delivers next day, I am pushing my luck.

 I really hope that this little embryo survives the thaw (my biggest concern actually) and can make it through the transfer. I know I should be more positive but honestly I just can't find it in me to even be hopeful. I am assuming it won't take, as usual, and I will have to start a whole new cycle. On the positive side, if this doesn't work and I don't end up pregnant, chad said we can take a few months "off" and go on vacation. This should give me a few months to lose some weight and let my body recover a bit. Maybe we can even look into some adoption agencies and at least get some info on cost, time, requirements etc, that way when it comes time to having to sign up we will be ahead of the game. At this point I don't really care if I get pregnant or get handed a baby by a stranger. I just am over this.