Hello? Yes, I'm still here...

Wow it's been a while!  It's been a very long while.  I can't even remember where I left off, and to be honest I'm kind of too tired to go look (is that bad?).  Someone asked me if I still keep up with my blog and I said I hadn't in a while, and they suggested that I revisit for a little update.  I didn't mean to stop updating...I just..well...had a baby boy!!

I think I blogged about being pregnant, possibly mentioned it was twins, and as I type this (it's all coming back to me now - ala Celine Dion), I'm remembering maybe writing about how I lost one of the twins?  I can't even imagine what our life would be like now if we had twins.  One is good - trust me (ha)!

Disclaimer - I am so grateful to have been pregnant though the process of IVF and have carried my baby to term, and I now have a beautiful baby boy to show for it.  

I stopped writing for one reason - my pregnancy was rough and I could barely function in life.  Once I was well into my first trimester I enjoyed a plethora of symptoms that kept me on my toes - or off them.  I woke up each morning and threw up.  At first it was traumatic, but after a few weeks I just went right to the toilet, got it over with, and then went about getting ready for work.  A few times I would also have the pleasure of walking into work, riding the elevator up to the third floor (where my classroom was located), walking straight into the bathroom and throwing up there.  Some of my poor male colleagues in the faculty room were probably grossed out LOL.  I was sick until I was about 5ish months.  From then on I didn't throw up as much but I did gag quite frequently!  I used preggie pop drops and they really helped to prevent many episodes of vomiting while out in public.  My husband was always at the ready with one - he knew what it meant when I demanded a "drop" frantically.  I was fatigued like you wouldn't believe.  I literally came home from work and went to bed.  I didn't cook dinner or clean on most days (weeks).  My husband really stepped it up and helped a lot.  Once I was out for summer vacation things improved a little but I still barely did anything.  I had about a month of bliss (read - not throwing up or sleeping 24/7) and then I started to have trouble again.  To be honest, I can't remember right now what the problem was...I think I was just very tired again.  Also, I couldn't sleep (what pregnant woman can in her third trimester?), and didn't eat much.

All in all, I would do it again, but this time with xanax (can I take that while pregnant?) to deal with the ever-present anxiety of losing the baby.  What did I get for all of that torture, I mean a blissful nine months, that I spent three years trying to achieve?  My beautiful baby boy Matthew.  I would do it all over again for him.  He is the light of my life, makes me smile and so happy it brings tears to my eyes sometimes (yes I can make tears once and a while).  He was born on December 21, 2014, after being induced and in labor for 36 hours (lucky me!) via C-Section.  He was due on December 18th.

Since I was an IVF patient, his due date was spot on.  No one wanted me to go into labor on Christmas, so we opted to induce.  I wonder if I had waited things would be different but I doubt it.  I went in on the 19th to be induced at 7pm.  By 7am I had made zero progress so the pitocin drip was started.  Yada yada contractions started...and then by 1ish PM they were coming for about 45 seconds a piece, about 30 seconds apart.  That was fun.  I was handling it and using the ball and all that fun breathing bullshit they teach you in birthing class, and I thought - woop...must be making some progress!!!  So I get checked by my residents, who were practically my friends after a day and a half, and I was a whopping 2 cm.  I decide it's time to get an epidural because clearly I have a while to go.  Once I had that I was able to relax a little.  I fell asleep finally in the evening but was awoken with some terrible shaking/trembling and also some intense contractions!!!  Also, the stupid blood pressure machine kept dinging and I had to keep alerting a nurse (so now you know - when the dinging starts - your BP is too high!!!).  I had no clue at the time why it was beeping.  The anesthesiologist came in and gave me some more meds in the epidural line and I was checked again - 2-3cm.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  Doc came in at this point and said I think it's time we call it, at which point I wouldn't have cared if he sliced me right there on the spot.  The shaking was terrible and I was over it.  They whisked me away to surgery!!!!!
ps - so weird that I could feel the catheter through the epidural for a while - not cool!!

Baby was born (cord around neck - happy I didn't deliver him that way) at 3:09am (yes I had to ask my husband just now what time he was born).  He didn't cry.  My husband went over to him.  No one was SAYING ANYTHING.  I was still shaking and getting told to lay still by the anesthesiologist.  He FINALLY cried after what seemed like an eternity.  I don't think anything was wrong - but I wish someone would have kept me abreast of the situation.  After that they announced that he was 5lb 9oz.  FIVE POUNDS???  After acknowledging that he was alive and healthy my next thought was "are you sure that's my baby?"  I had expected, you see, an approximately 8 pound baby.  I had had ultrasounds every 2-3 weeks throughout the entire pregnancy due to some complications.  My doctor had even worried at one point that he was going to be big - HA HA HA.  So apparently the 5 pounds I gained was all baby.

I recovered well and quickly.  I thought the c-section would be horrible, but I have a crazy high pain tolerance after living with migraines and I really didn't think, all in all, it was that awful!  Sure, I was a little sore and it was difficult to, well, walk, but I managed and was determined to get well quickly.  I also stayed in the hospital a full almost 4 days - and think that HELPED a LOT!!

My little boy is 6 months old now.  He is still a little peanut but making all of his milestones at an appropriate pace.  He is babbling up a storm, rolling over, sitting up unsupported for several seconds at a time, eating solid food like a champ, standing while supported, and most recently- mimicking "clapping" while people yell "yay!" at him (tooo damn cute).  He has slept through the night since sometime in the third month.  He is teething and I expect to see a tooth in the next few weeks at max.  He was breast fed exclusively for about 3 months. Side note: He never did get a great latch, in my opinion, and therefore was always taking forever to feed and therefore always starving.  When I started pumping, which I did for about a month,  I never made quite enough to satiate him.  He sure loves to eat!!!  Switching to formula was a great solution for me and my family. Plus that's when I went back to work.  If I were to do it all over again, I would try to nurse longer but supplement with formula sooner.  I didn't like pumping after a while.  I felt pressured to start pumping and building up a stock earlier than I had wanted because I was in a wedding and had to leave him for a LONG LONG TIME.

I now need to focus on losing the "fertility battle" weight.  I'm hoping to drop about 40 pounds and then try to get pregnant again.  I'm hoping to be in a better place, physically, to deal with all of the stress of meds.  My husband wants to start "trying" when the baby turns one.  OMG!!!  I don't know if you've noticed, but I feel like I have a tough of PTSD from the pregnancy, and really also all of the crap that led into it.  IVF is no joke people!!!  But it works.  Have faith, if you're reading this and going through the same thing...that it can work, and might work for you too.

...and maybe look into whether you can take some Xanax with your progesterone, vitamin, metformin, estrace, luprin, follistim, and everything else you've been injecting/swallowing :-)

Home Doppler

Woop! I'm 10w4d today and I heard the baby's heartbeat for the first time at home. I haven't posted in a while, mostly because I've been too sick and most definitely too tired to do so. I really am just starting to feel like I can make it out of the house to do anything (although I'm tired thinking about it). Last week we went in for a scan, basically because I was freaking out and had a migraine, and found we lost one of the twins. It's common and occurs in up to 30% of twin pregnancies. We are pretty bummed about it but I am focusing on the fact that I still have one living baby in there. I pray that he or she keeps growing and growing. It's so nerve wrecking though!!! Since the demise of that twin, however, I've started feeling better, compared to how I was before. I was so tired that just getting through the work day was extremely difficult. I really can't even express how it felt to be that tired. Now I just feel normal pregnancy tired. 

When I went to the bathroom today I had just the teensiest amount of light brown-almost tan spotting on the tp. If I wasn't obsessively checking the tp after every wipe I wouldn't have even noticed. So my neurotic self pulled out the Doppler. After a few minutes I finally found the HB of the baby. It was on the opposite side of where I thought it would be, right next to or behind my own whooping heart beat from the huge artery along my left side. One tiny fraction of an inch to the right of it and I heard the baby! I have heard my own noises enough to know that the galloping noise was baby. It's so distinctly different. It wasn't super loud bc of my own noise but it was there and registered in the mid-to-high 140s. I hope  this is a good sign. I think I'm having a boy. I have this gut feeling that the other twin was a girl. Idk just intuition. I can't wait to be out of this first trimester and feel a little safer!! My next appointment is in 3 days. 

Gummy Bears!

Ok I have living, normal babies. Both measuring appropriately and heart rates in the 150s. More later. 

Oh official due date is Dec 18, even though we all know I won't make it that long. 

Ahhh

My 8w scan is in 45 minutes. I'm so anxious. I just threw up, thank you babies, so hopefully that is a good sign. 

Original Pancake House

Dear pretentious original pancake house in Williamsville,

You suck. You seriously can't seat us so that I can order coffee and bread in an attempt to not throw up my saltines because *god forbid* our whole "party" isn't here? Really? Do you realize that I'm pregnant with twins and experiencing some serious morning sickness? You probably don't, but still, not cool. I'm going to puke. 

6 weeks 3 days

Last week I freaked out over the spotting and the office let me come in for a scan. 

Here is the result. I was told everything looks great. I am right around 5w6 or 6w0 at the time of this picture. You can see that the two gestational sacs have clearly grown in size in just one week. They also both have a yolk sac visible. I don't think there is a fetal pole clearly visible In either but the nurse said there is "a structure" in B. B is measuring a little bigger than A. Now see that little spot at the top? That's probably why I'm spotting all the time. The doctor explained that he isn't concerned because it's not too close to either sac and isn't too big. They will keep an eye on it I guess. I go back on Thursday, May 2, which is one week and one day after this scan.  So over all I'm feeling better about things. Once I see those heartbeats, however, I'll be a lot more positive. 

Symptoms so far 

-on and off nausea/gagging. It doesn't last all day and isn't every day. I was dry heaving at work one morning but haven't actually thrown up. *fingers crossed*

-sore boobs. Again this is an on and off symptom. Some days it's very sore and feels like I'm being stabbed. Others I just feel tender to the touch. Like today they are only tender if I touch them. Yesterday I had stabbing pains all day and night. 

-tired!!!!! I can barely get up in the morning. I come home from work and lay on the couch until I go to bed lol. I slept for 12 hours last night and then was tired all morning too. I then rustled up the strength to shower and dress myself around 1, went out to lunch and to run a few errands, and then was so tired I had to come back home to my couch. 

-cramping-not like a period but more so on one or both sides like ovary pain and/or across my uterus area like pulling, sometimes stabbing sensations. Hoping this is due to stretching and growing to make room for two. 

-still spotting. Usually brown. Sometimes dark brown. Sometimes spots of red. Never really makes it into the panty liner. It seems to be worse at night and worse when I am cramping. Hoping it's due to the stretching and the SCH. I have read and heard even from my doc that bleeding is more common in twin pregnancies. Knowing is only half the battle, however, and I still stress about it. 

I hope all this means that they are both growing appropriately and that on Thursday I will see two tiny heartbeats. 

Roller coaster

Hmm. I just spent an hour googling things because I have a bad attitude today. Then I think to myself about why I have the time to google now-it's because I almost gagged before my shower then still felt nauseous and exhausted after and had to just sit on the couch. Honestly the thought of going back to work tomorrow after a lovely spring break is terrifying. I'm so tired. All the time. All I have to say is I hope that means babies A and B are snuggled in good and are starting to have cardiac contractions. I'm 5 weeks 5 days today! 9 more days to get through after today then I'll wake up and get to see them. Hopefully them. Or at least one. Idk it's so hard to be positive after two miscarriages and lots of  disappointment. It's like I am faking this and it's not real. Ahhh I hate waiting and I hate not being in control. Wouldn't it be nice if they made little hand-held ultrasound machines for women like me? That way I could check on it every day and get some reassurance. My husband thinks I am legit crazy at this point. Maybe I am. Oh well!!